This image created in anticipation of a Maloney exit. Hope springs eternal, eh?
Truncated recap this week, as I have things that are much
more important than the X-Factor to occupy my time for once, like watching
paint dry, counting the blades of grass in a field, and listening to the
collected works of Christopher Maloney until I start bleeding out my eyes. Regular service and style of blog will resume next week.
reached the point where she is now a threat to mankind, and has been put down
on the orders of the X-Factor veterinarian. Rather more surprising is the
revelation that they’re not going to milk her exit for more drama by having
another Amelia Lily-esque wildcard round, or bringing back an ejected
contestant. Instead they’re just going to quietly go on with the show. Perhaps
this is an indication of a change of pace for the X-Factor, forgoing
ludicrousness and column-inch generating spectacle in favour of dignity and
sombre performance. Well no, it isn’t, cos first up is Rylan.
meet the locals, learns to speak TOWIE and loses about 20% of her brain cells in
the process. Fun times in Essex concludes when Nic agrees to get a diamonte
portrait of Rylan glued to her vagina. No, really.
which probably means Rylan is going home tomorrow.
personalities so that prepubescent girls can decide which one they want to
marry. Quicker than you can say “they’re going to describe one of them as “the
cheeky one”, they tell us that Poor Man’s Harry Styles is the cheeky one. For
the record, JJ used to be a jockey, so marry him if you want the ride. Josh is
the funny one, so marry him if you want a laugh! Poor Man’s Harry Styles is
cloned from the pubic hairs of Harry Styles, so marry him if you want him to
cheat on you with your mam. And Gaymi is… the sensitive one. Marry him if you
want a relationship resembling Tobias and Lindsey from Arrested Development.
changing the lyrics to “Civilly Partnerfy me, Romeo”, breaking down on stage
and shouting “I’m sick of living a lie!” while tears steam down his face.
conversation with his chimney sweep brother, about their lives as chimney
sweeps. I feel like there’s a great plot for a video game here. Hard working
chimney sweeps Kye and Kyesbrother find a secret portal up a chimney that brings
them to the Fungus Kingdom where they fight the evil King Simon and win the
heart of the beautiful Princess Toadstool. They enter into a modern
relationship, with the brothers spending alternate nights with the princess,
making jokes about cleaning out her flue.
You Only Get What You Give, wherein Kye seems even more desperate than normal
to appear younger and bouncier than he actually is. After coming off stage, he
collapses onto a sofa and spends the rest of the show on a nebuliser.
youthful are almost as irritating as his contrived attempts to be “alternative”.
Elephant Man in an Oxfam shop.
screaming from the room shouting “Kill it with fire! Kill it with fire!”. Also:
James is happy that his mam and dad hate each other 20% less than they used to
as a result of his being on the X-Factor.
man who has also swallowed several razor blades. Also: there is a rap. I am
glad I don’t have the time for an extended recap, otherwise I would spend at
least two paragraphs on the awful of the rap. Following the awful, awful rap:
more constipated noises that sound vaguely like HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH DON’T HRRRR
DON’T URRRRRRGH DO-WHOOAAAAAAA-WHOOOOA-URRRRRRRGH-N’T SPEEEEEEEA URRRRRGH bring
the song to a blessed conclusion.
him for scaring Gwen Stefani. She’s still lost by the way. Reward offered if
found before tomorrow’s results show.
Epona, the Celtic Goddess of Donkeys, Mules and Horses, in her mortal
form as Ella the Baby Pony and Adele Clone.
glamourous yet subtle saddle.
which consists of Gwen Stefani pretending to have watched a video of all your
performances and then telling you that you’re great.
week leads me to conclude that we get a decent Adella performance every 2nd
week. Next week we can expect a return of Mariah Carey syndrome, as Adella
overperforms every single vowel like it was a mini-opera.
movie. Glitter, perhaps. Louis calls her a little [star].
sale when Union J were finished there.
were just 3 normal boys, but then they were bitten by a radioactive boyband,
and ever since then they’ve had the proportionate strength, speed and cunning
of autotuned twentysomethings. Feared and hated by a world they have sworn to
sing to, despite its protestations, they are the Uncanny District 3! Unfortunately,
the radioactive boyband who bit them were also American, so everything District
3 sings sounds like one of those awful radio adverts where a person who isn’t
American pretends to be because, I dunno, American voices sell more?
pronounced as “dynomite” throughout.
baby, no”. Each judge pans the performance, while Louis Walsh flaps about and squawks
about how they’re completely wrong and it was actually brilliant.
went to work in Asda for a day. She scanned items to see how many was in stock,
berated Jahmene for picking something
with rhubarb in it, terrorised the customers on the in-store tannoy, and was
generally amazing. Sorry, shamazing. Sorry, jahmazing.
you to LISTEN. Not that you need to listen carefully when Jahmene is singing,
because even people who lost their television reception thanks to Saorview can
still hear Jahmene obliterating the sound barrier. He’s toned it down this week
a little, so there’s only about 17 syllables per note, rather than the usual
close to experiencing her first emotion ever and says the performance was like
Jahmene was lighting a torch. I don’t know what that’s meant to mean, but I
feel compelled to preserve everything Nicole Scherzinger says for posterity.
bit of a diva and that he’s a complete faker about 4 weeks after they were
originally made. The X-Factor: always with its finger on the pulse of the
information nation. They also have website! On the internet! You know that cool
new thing you can get on your 56k modems? Wah wah wah, Chris is not a cunt.
Except he totally is.
international recording star, and that he can’t imagine Chris ever becoming
that, unlike Alexandra Burke, Shayne Ward, Matt Cardle, Steve Brookstein, Leon
Jackson and Joe McElderry.RESULTS SHOW
Rita Ora takes off all of her clothes, while No Doubt attempt to ressurrect their careers.
My faith in mankind is dashed as Chris Maloney makes it through YET AGAIN. Seriously, I’m going to have to make a violent intervention soon. Get him off my screen or else I’m going to destroy television.
The sing-off is between Kye and Rylan. Nic and Gary save their acts, Louis saves Kye, and Tulisa decides to stay through to her urban roots by saving Rylan. This means Deadlock for the millionth time this series, and the continued irrelevance of the judges. The public have spoken and Rylan is safe. So it’s back to the chimneys with Kye, while Gary Barlow, whose only remaining contestant is CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MALONEY, has an aneurism about the unfairness of it all. Will somebody please think of the music??
Read More of Jonathan’s writing on his blog, Off The Top of My Head