home Humour Who wants to be a Million-Eir?

Who wants to be a Million-Eir?

Has your generosity known no bounds this RAG Week? Have you already gone over budget? Have you already experienced that sinking feeling of dismay when you check your account and it flashes 0.00? Would you like to know how you can reap some of what you have sown and receive generously? Would you like me to stop asking you questions? Then look no further my little poverty-stricken friends!

To congratulate the (relatively) new mobile network Eir to the scene, let us all learn from the tactics below and show them what a real complaint letter is. Follow an example such as this and I can assure you that you might possibly, perchance, happen upon, maybe get, a free tenner credit. But probably not. In fact, you almost certainly won’t. But maybe! It worked for me! But that was then. And this is now… Alas! Follow me, read below and at the very worst you learn something today! Nothing useful… but something.

Dear Mr Eir,

Since I was bullied as a child, I have always dreamed of the day when I could be an older, more successful, sleeker version of myself. At the young age of 15 I now find myself losing my hair. You cannot imagine the pain to my ego when I finally succumbed and shaved my long Jheri curls, watching them fall silently to the floor like teardrops.  I also work in a call centre so (alas!) the successful version of myself is not an option.

However, when I saw your advertisement for the Samsung Galaxy S5, well sir I had to hold onto my hat!  Mostly because I did not want the others in the shop to see my one Jheri curl amongst the bald shiny scalp – the one that I could not bear to shave since it reminded me of simpler times – but also because the sleeker version of myself was possible though all other hopes had been dashed!

I raced across the store, flinging a woman with a wooden leg out of my path, and climbed over the counter to nestle the sample Samsung Galaxy S5 to my chest. And I thought to myself, ‘Future Sleek Self – this phone is for you’.

To my horror the manager in the store stated that they needed me to order it online as they had no stock currently on site. This seems irresponsible to me, as surely rent prices are not so cheap that you can afford to faff around in what is for the most part an empty room.

But I digress.

The manager informed me that if I went home and ordered it online the Samsung could be mine. Sir, when he told me this – well I firstly had to change my pants – but then I gathered myself, went online to the inter nets, hand quivering over the mouse, but I can’t confirm whether it was from the six gins I had had prior or the excitement of the Samsung. After following all the instructions I finally was at the tipping point and perhaps the most stress inducing process of all…

What colour do I choose?

Never in my life had I so identified with Rebecca Black and the impact such simple choices can have on one’s emotional stability. After hours of research, pacing a hole in my floor and, I admit, time spent on tinder I finally decided. Black. And what did I get?

‘Limited Stock Available’ which apparently means ‘Tough S***’.

Sirs, allow me to educate you.

Note the ‘restricted’ not ‘0’ amount.

But, I like to consider myself a reasonable man. After all, as Michael Jackson himself said about the Samsung Galaxy S5, it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white. So I picked white and the order went through!

Days later there was still no word, and I have to be honest my spirits were at an all time low. I decided to track my order, to search for the beloved lost child I had yet to receive. The online tracker said ‘Dispatched’. But this was 4 days later. And I checked, I CHECKED, and there’s only a 3 day turnaround in An Post. The barring order they sent me says so.

I decided to take my ‘calm down’ tablets and thought to myself, while watching a pink elephant stroll up the ceiling and wave with his trunk, ‘Those Eir guys aren’t the problem – I am’.

So I guess what I am trying to say is thank you for sending me my invisible phone. Not only did you solve my dilemma of what colour to choose, a choice that distressed me (a fact your fine store manager clearly picked up on), I also truly am honoured that you exposed me to the only invisible phone currently in existence. I do not know what I have done to be in possession of such a gift – perhaps I was a good ant in a past life.

Your greatest admirer

Sweeney Cod



P.s. I put one kiss for every letter in Eir, I hope you like them