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Waitress Massacres Five, Regrets Nothing

A local waitress has been arrested in relation to the murder of five different people in the space of five minutes, Gardaí have confirmed today.

Orla Egan, 19, had worked as a waitress in a city centre café for nearly a year when she suddenly turned upon a group of people who were in the café during her shift. Witnesses report that the young woman seemed to suffer ‘some sort of aneurysm, almost’ in reaction to what was widely agreed as a trivial, unnecessary and overall stupid request from a customer for some sugar-free, vegan whatever-the-fuck.

Upon informing the customer that indeed, Egan could not fulfil all their dietary needs, which seemingly included a rather mild form of coeliac disease considering the customer could not eat any bread, but had no problem consuming a massive slice of cake positively laden with wheat flour, the customer decided to make a formal complaint to the café’s manager.

The manager, reported by other members of staff to be a ‘Class A arsehole’, with no life to speak of except listening to what must be some thrilling podcasts about serial killers on his lunch break in the backroom, was diligent in handling the cherished customer’s complaint. Egan was given an appropriate scolding, and ordered to clean a bathroom which had recently been used by a regular customer – an old age pensioner just after three coffees, who’d presumably just had their first bowel movement in a fortnight. It was at this point that the young waitress was said to have whirled a dirty mop around, ninja bo-staff style, and subsequently smashed in the skull of the café’s manager. This grand gesture of a worker’s rebellion against the bourgeois establishment of hipster eateries was met with a surge of applause from fellow comrades – except for Karen, of course, the smarmy cunt.

Karen, an alleged arselicker, remained true to her traitorous ways and protested the killings. She was subsequently executed with a cake knife, along with a health inspector who, at the time of the first killing, was upstairs inspecting the kitchen. Witnesses say the health inspector met his end after requesting Egan and other workers wear hair nets, which the workers took as an infringement of their human rights, and a slight on their personal dignity. Sources close to the Gardaí say the inspector’s head had been found stuck outside the café on a pike, wearing such a hair net – a warning to anyone who may have had the audacity to suggest such a thing ever again.

Other businesses in Cork City centre have been warned against taking any actions that may drive their staff to such grave violence, such as requests to stay on “just an extra few minutes” as well as inane, patronising mottos including any variation of ‘“the customer is always right,” because let’s face it – the customer, generally, is a bit of a shit.