So this year’s capitalist holiday with your special one didn’t go as romantically as you’d have liked it to? Run out of super likes on Tinder? Is your Fleshlight not calling you back? Don’t worry, the Express has you covered!
BDSM ON A BUDGET:
As college students, we at The Express know you cannot afford whips, chains, gags etc, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be as creepy as Christian Grey.
Spanking- Who can afford a leather paddle, honestly? And since your boyfriend grew out his moustache, he’s a devout Vegan. A good replacement, however, would be any of your college books! 70 euro, 600 pages, and we know you’re not going to fucking read it! Spank away, just don’t use the Norton Anthology of English or you’ll break his spine.
Dirty talk- While dirty talk is technically free, The Express has tailored our guide on Dirty talk specifically for college students. Tell your partner all sorts of saucy stuff like, “You’re wasting your parents’ money”, “You’ll never get a job you’ll like”, “Just because you only go out on Tuesdays and Thursdays doesn’t mean you’re not a barely functional alcoholic”. If you’re partner is crying by the end of it, curled up in the foetal position and drowning in existential dread all the better, so hot.
Gagging- No need to buy an expensive ballgag to get your partner to shut the fuck up about fidget-spinners and Fortnite, just use whatever you have around the house! The communal tea towel is a great option, as the mould and threat of Sepsis will only add to the excitement.
Potato Pie- Do you want to be in such a bad carb coma that you never wake up? Die together like a fat Romeo and Juliet.
Miguelito- Nothing says “I love you” more than Teargassing your love nest with Guacamole farts. (Boojum, a sponsor of this article, are offering a free “Quesadildo” to any reader who laughs at my shit articles)
Speedo’s- I’m no romantic but sharing burnt Aldi garlic bread and fighting off Havana’s rejects sounds like a fairy-tale.
Spoons- 2.75 for a Pint. If your date doesn’t love it, then they’re not the one for you.
Conspiracy Theories on YouTube- She’s smart, she’s beautiful, she’s kind. But does she think the earth is a sphere? Does she know Jews did 9/11? If you take her home and she doesn’t agree that the US Government is turning the frogs gay then she is a Clintonite, SJW. You dodged a bullet, just like Tupac.
The Ted Bundy Tapes- He’s charming, he’s handsome, but is this boy you’ve been going out with for two years trying to kill you? Don’t take that chance, call the police as soon as you reach home.
Videos of his Girlfriend- Yeah sure he cried, and called you her name twice…and called her twelve times, but I’m sure he’s just drunk.