Now that we all live in a real-life version of the movie Hackers, with superfast broadband everywhere but Kerry, Old media has become obsolete. Newspapers are now only good for holding your chips or your dogs’ shit and the radio is only good for making your ears bleed through constant torture by Drake. To help prepare media students for this brand-new market, UCC have created a course specifically tailored to it. Below is an outline of the course. (This article is also available as a PDF on your phone, laptop, watch, fridge or toaster.)
Headlines (5 credits)
This module will be focused on eye catching headlines. In this new landscape we need the clicks. Clicks equal food, remember that. Do whatever you can to make the headline as attention grabbing as possible. It doesn’t matter if its lies, just have a good pun in there and you’re fine.
Using Oprah reaction Gifs (10 credits)
One of the most important elements of modern-day journalism; The effective use of Oprah gifs. This can make or break your listicle about 10 times Rihanna ACTUALLY slayed, or that article about how much of a sassy Sagittarius you are. Use them wisely.
Emoji’s (10 credits)
Emojis now make up more than 60% of the Millennial vocabulary. UCC have created a daring new module that now teaches emojis as a language. Writing your articles fully in emoji is key to securing a young audience. Android users are not eligible to take this module. Plebs.
Deceiving Facebook aunts (5 credits)
One of your primary sources of income will come from these intrepid seekers of truth, justice and Minion memes. If you can write an article that gets Brenda from Roscommon thinking ISIS are invading her local Daybreak, you may be in line for the next Pulitzer prize.
Trump (20 credits)
It honestly doesn’t matter what you write about him, either way people will read. What does he eat? What does he smell like? Who has he offended today? What DOES his penis look like? If you can deal with being called a leftist cuck, or a capitalist neo-Nazi, you’re in for a big pay day with your Trump articles. Just stay away from any actual politics, that shit is boooooring.
Investigative Journalism (10 credits)
Don’t let any old coot tell you Investigative Journalism is dead. Our writers are on the front the lines, investigating more mysteries than ever. This module will be taught by renowned paparazzi, Barnaby “Restraining order” Wright. Fresh from a stint in prison for stalking, Wright, the mind behind such hard hitting articles such as “Kylie Jenners ASS is made of WHAT??” and “John Travolta caught skinning hamsters for toupee?? More inside!!”, is an inspiration for all budding journalists.
Humour Writing (20 credits)
Truly the pinnacle of modern-day journalism. The satire writer is a king among men. They can make us laugh, cry, love, but most importantly…Think.