They’ve tried Tinder, Grindr, Plenty of Fish, Elite singles and Christian Mingle, but all they’re left with is a lot of nudes and that deep, aching hole inside them that can only ever be filled with the unconditional love of another human being. They fill this emptiness with the hope that, one day, they too can sit in a restaurant in Dublin and make awkward small talk while millions judge them.
Michael, 2nd Year Home Economics Teaching and Karate (BA):
“I think I’d be the funny one you know, like? The lad, like? I’d act like a bit of a prick, like and be all mean to the girl, like burp on her and say she’s fat and shit, like. Everyone would think I’m so cheeky, like. There’s no way I’ll have to keep wanking myself to sleep after it. I’d have so many girls to send unsolicited nudes too! Like.”
Aoife, 3rd year Yachtsmen (BSC):
“I just have such a bubbly personality. I never stop talking. Literally. It’s a medical condition I’m always chatting about random shit. That would go down so well on First dates, I’m just so outgoing and chatty. I never get sad, I swear I never think about how existence is futile, and we’ll all be forgotten when we die… Anyway, I just think my upbeat, bubbly personality will make any lad love me.”
Brian 1st year Chemical Warfare and belly dancing (BSC):
“It’s just been so hard meeting women. Every time I think I’ve met a senpai or a waifu they always leave me, ungrateful bitches! I’m not seriously considering First Dates, because it’s full of normies but ever since I was kicked out of Anime society for chronic masturbation and voyeurism it’s been kind of lonely. I don’t actually want to get onto the show, no, I couldn’t do that to my body pillow… Miku would never get over it.”
Charity 2nd year English and Shouting (BA):
“I’m only going on as a form of protest, First Dates is just another in a long line of Patriarchal institutions that seek to keep women down! I’m going in there to meet a cute boy, with kind eyes… and to tear the Patriarchy down!”