Despite the car crash of 2020, something good that has definitely come from it is the Twilight Renaissance. Coming back into popularity twelve years after the release of the first film, everyone who had Twilight fever then has contracted it once again, but this time we’re all able to recognise the true artistry that Stephenie Mayer created. For this ranking, I decided to only include the films and tally every time there was an instance of a character being horny. As the overarching plot for all five films is an interspecies love triangle, I’m sure you can guess who the top most sexual characters were. So let’s pay a visit to Forks, Washington and see who needs Jesus.
The first film is a cinematic masterpiece. This we can all agree on. Director Catherine Hardwicke recreated the Sistine Chapel with this film, and each little detail she includes is a credit to her directorial style. Vampire heart-throb Edward Cullen was, according to my tally, the most horny one out of this film. From not letting himself breath while sitting next to Bella in class, to appearing in her room and watching her sleep, to being broody and self-hating while letting the sun make his skin sparkle like a Fenty lipgloss, Edward was at his sexiest during this film. All of Edward’s behaviour towards Bella was unconventional by any standards of the imagination but accounting for his vampire status and his self-induced celibacy for around 100 years, I’m cutting him some slack. Bella came in at a close second, but from here she only goes up. Jacob Black unsurprisingly did not travel far up the horny scale, for the combined reasons that he still only has an innocent crush on Bella, and because he appears to tell his wolf story (and go) while at the beach with Bella. A shoutout goes to Bella’s human friends: Mike, Jessica, Angela and Eric. The heterosexual tension between them is literally palpable, and Bella does the good guy thing of neatly pairing them off so they’d be together and live regular, non-supernatural lives. Also, this foursome often provides a necessary comic relief for the rest of the series.
New Moon is an absolute slog of a film to watch, and each moment felt like I was being stabbed slowly because it kept. Dragging. On. The horny roles were reversed here, with Edward taking a backseat for the majority of the film letting Jacob become the main love interest. Jacob’s tendency to be mainly shirtless for the film did distract me for a while, but I was back on track as soon as Bella was in Italy. New Moon also gave us the first appearance of the Volturi, and the unintentionally comedic characterisation of Aro. Special shoutout for this film goes to the Quileute Wolf pack. I don’t really know how not to be biased here, having a large group of shirtless men running around just does it for me.
Eclipse brought a whole load of plot development, new characters, and lots of sexual tension and sexual conflict between Edward and Jacob. All this climaxes while they’re protecting Bella in the tent, and Edward is helpless to see Jacob play Big Spoon with a hypothermic Bella. The sexual tension is raw, the anger is indisputable, and the urge to protect Bella is driving it all. Bella may be a pretty dislikable character, but clearly she has enough of a sexual aura to get Jacob AND Edward coming after her. Special Shoutout in this film goes to Victoria. Starting an entire war because your boyfriend got obsessed with some clumsy girl and then died because of it?
I combined Breaking Dawn Part 1 and Part 2; each of the main three characters scored surprisingly low on the horny front, with Bella receiving the most marks because she was literally willing to die for that dick. Edward came in second, with his iconic snapping of the headboard being the main reason. Another reason he scored so high is because he was so utterly horny for death. But that is not unusual for his character. The shoutout for this film goes to Jane, from the Volturi. Jane may not be “horny” in the conventional sense, but she’s just horny for chaos and destruction. This is evident when she quite literally throws the immortal child into the fire and leaves. Iconic, if a little horrifying.
And there you have it. Final marks put Bella one point ahead of Edward, and a total of eleven ahead of Jacob, making her the horniest character in the Twilight universe. It cannot be disputed that these four novels eroticise abstinence. The lack of sexual activity, but all that sexual tension? Perfection. Now that you have all of this extremely useful information, why not give these films a watch and tell me what you think? Send your conclusions and findings to firstname.lastname@example.org