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The Freshers’ guide to college

It is that time of year again when the youth of Ireland are finally sobering up long enough to remember that they have to return to college in a few weeks. After spending the summer in Santa Ponsa or Magaluf drinking your own body’s volume in cheap liquor, getting over that pregnancy scare after the debs and contracting skin cancer from being out in the sun for too long; it is totally acceptable to be worried about coming to a learned college of such high academic standards.

But fear not; we here at the UCC Express will guide you through how to survive the day to day stressfully life of a student. Today we will walk you through the three corner stones that make up the circle of student life…

Not only will you get so drunk you may get sick through your nose, you can also run a small car or a lawnmower on whatever vodka is left over the morning after.

Diet and exercise

Diet and exercise are a fundamental part of keeping a healthy body and mind while in college. However many students find it difficult to maintain a healthy diet due to the lack of funds to accommodate the rising price of fruit, their inability to cook healthy meals or, the hardest obstacle to overcome, their blatant laziness. To compound this, such a lack of fruit and vegetables in a student’s diet can lead to many diseases and illnesses, such as scurvy and anaemia.

In order to avoid these nasty aliments, follow these easy tips and you will be as fit as a single, 33-year-old unemployed man.

If you find it difficult to get enough vitamin C in your diet, start your day by grinding up a Berocca boost and rub it into your gums. Not only does this help you save time waiting for it to dissolve in water, but you also get to experience how Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan starts there day.

Similarly if you find it hard to consume enough fruit, try having a can or two of Bulmers with lunch, breakfast and dinner. Bulmers comes in a range of different fruits and flavours. It’s basically an apple in a can; just think of it as a fizzy smoothie of sorts. Also the fact that it comes in a six pack means you will keep the doctor away for six of the seven days in a week.

Household hygiene

They say home is where the heart is. This is important to remember when deciding where to live during the course of your academic year in UCC. For many people this will mean leaving the warmth, security and comfort of their parent’s home and living in student accommodation; the antithesis of home life.

There are lots of fun puzzle games to play with your new housemates. These include ‘whose turn is it to take out the bins’, ‘who drank the last of the milk and wasn’t arsed to replace it’ and, my personal favourite, ‘who got sick in and/ or blocked the toilet again’. With mysteries such as these keeping you entertained for hours, you will never have to play Cluedo again.

Akin to this, it is very important to keep your house clean and tidy to avoid accidents and mishaps. A startling recent study found that an incredible 78% of domestic accidents occur in people’s homes.

In order to avoid these accidents please follow these easy steps.

Hovering is a long and arduous process, so why not just kick everything on the floor under the couch. Nobody ever looks under the couch and it frees up the floor so no one will slip on the Amber Leaf boxes that cover it.

When cleaning your plates after dinner, don’t bother putting waste food in the bin, just scrape it into the sink. By doing this you ensure that the food will rot, ferment and decompose in the plug hole, thus creating your house’s very own compost pile. This not only helps the environment but saves you money on water charges as your sink will be constantly clogged, reducing the amount of water you will need to use in washing up.

If you can manage to complete these easy steps, your house may just get on Grand Designs in the not too distant future.


In the immortal words of the Beastie Boys: “you gotta fight for your right to party;” and I have a feeling that’s what most of you have some here to do exclusively. Drinking, partying and poor decision making are an important factor in getting the most out of your parents money in college.

When going out in college, it’s important to get the most out of your money. This is especially important when buying drink. Make sure when buying vodka to get Tesco Value. Not only will you get so drunk you may get sick through your nose, you can also run a small car or a lawnmower on whatever vodka is left over the morning after.

Music is a key component of a good night out, so make sure you have a banging playlist to impress your friends. Songs such as Avicii ‘Levels’ or the Avicii ‘Levels’ remix that plays backwards are always at the top of what people want to hear. Similarly, when in a night club go up to the DJ every few minutes and ask him or her to play requests. DJs love being told what to do and will appreciate you contributing your great taste in music.

Dress to impress is my motto when going out, so I never compensate when it comes to my looks. This is why it’s important for guys to wear as much River Island as possible. You want to look like someone who just came back from an audition for a One Direction body double and failed to get the part.

Remember you can repeat an exam but you can’t repeat the craic. Unless that exam is a test to see how much of your liver and brain cells have been destroyed, killed and eradicated by binge drinking; in which case you will be lucky to be able to remember what course you are doing by the end of Freshers’ Week.


So what have we learned?

UCC is an exciting academic and social hub, which may of us are lucky to attend. It is a place of limitless craic, fun and good times; however it is important to find the right balance between work and play. Ensure that you look after yourself, your house and your grades during the college year. You don’t want to wake up in May in a house that now looks like a Calcuttan slum, with a hangover that could subdue ten men and realise you may have to  go to CIT. Nobody wants that.

So if you follow the tip and tricks in this article, you might just survive the academic year and make it back here next September.

Warning: results may vary.