Seven Success Secrets of Long Distance

Have you been forcefully prised away from your significant other? Do you miss arguing over who snores the loudest? Would you often find yourself lamenting the times you didn’t appreciate all the times they wouldn’t shut up talking when you were dying from a hangover? Do you hate seeing everyone else tweeting ‘#longdistancesucks’ because their…

Best funeral ever

My Grandmother lived in a village on the most western tip of Donegal. She died there too. This village is in the back-arse of the back-arse of nowhere. The sheep outnumber the people and are ready to launch a coup at any minute. It took my family seven hours to reach Donegal, and another two…

Conspiracy Corner: What is a ‘Leitrim’?

County Leitrim is renowned for its lack of offensiveness, and the fact that it is a thing that exists… or does it? Conspiracy theorists have today claimed that our favourite easily-forgettable Connacht county may not be the sheep haven that we always knew it to be. Controversial evidence suggests that in the late 1800’s, county…

Friends with Menefits

The atmosphere is tense tonight in apartment 63 of Castlewhite after what should have been a standard Thursday night out turned into a nightmare from which no one could escape. Sean Eagen and Robert O’Conner had been best friends since birth, and even before birth, that’s how fucking tight these lads are. Sat beside each…

Patriotic Arts Student Fails English

Christmas exam results were released last week, and while many students were hoping for high grades, or at very least a pass, one man couldn’t care less. Michael Leary, a first-year arts student, failed all of his subjects, but failed one more spectacularly than the others; Mr. Leary somehow secured minus 10%, making him the…

‘Doing a Few Bits’ to be banned

The term ‘doing bits’, the preferred term to describe the doing of inane and generally uninteresting activities, has been banned. This ban comes as a result of widespread irritation across Ireland, with many old fogies and bitter youths with nothing better to aim their inexplicable ever-burning angst at reporting sky-rocketing stress levels whenever ‘bits’ are…

Express Tries: Fighting a Bouncer

While speaking to a friend the other day, I was given a revelation. We spoke about the trials and tribulations of nights out, lamenting the tragedy of being underage in Cork. I’m twenty now, but given that the age of entry for most places in Cork is as unpredictable and endlessly fluctuating as the stock…

Pint Glass Theft on the Rise

The Gardaí have reported that pint glass theft is now at an all-time high. Threat levels were raised to level Rebel Red in response to the recent surge in pint glass pilfering. Sergeant Murphy, of the Banter Buster Unit located near Bridewell Garda Station, had this to say: “I am sick of all you little…