Mystic Greg is ill today, so we’ve gotten a random intern of the cosmos to fill in. Yes, she is a cat. Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – O(+iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii +++++++++++++++============================ [Translation: I know I just ate, but milk is delicious, I demand more milk] Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – ========================…
Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – Your RAG Week will take a turn when you try one of those keg stands you see in all those American frat movies. You do not have enough upper-body strength to manage it. Happy concussion! Lucky charity of the week: Headway Ireland. Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th)…
Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – I’m really sorry, I know this is tough, but it’s time to give up on [MALE CELEBRITY]. It’s getting awkward how much you stan [MALE CELEBRITY], you know what they did. Lucky gender of the week: Not men anyway, the rest have done less shitty things. Taurus (Apr…
Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – Despite setting a hard-and-fast limit of €10 on the Secret Santa, your person is going to spend waaaaaay more money on your gift than you did theirs. Lucky emotion combo of the week: Remorse and incredible anger. Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – Look, no matter how…
Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – You will try to teach yourself the words to a Hanson song ‘As Gaeilge’ but there being no translation for ‘Mmmbop’ will be your downfall. Lucky band of the week: Nirvana. Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – No matter how good the deals are, no matter how…
Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – Despite what other horoscopes will tell you, now is not a good time to learn the banjo. Just…just trust me. It’s not a good look for you (or sound for us). Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – You will find yourself broke before the end of the…
Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – Welcome (back) to UCC! The stars have a lot in store for you this year, maybe, if you survive freshers week that is… lucky weird UCC legend of the week: the mummy Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – Welcome (back) to UCC! The socially acceptable amount of…
Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are… giant floppy dicks in your near future. Lucky cocktail of items: Lube and viagra. Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – You cross my palms with silver, and I see that there are… many leeches…
Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – The stars wish to ask you “what’s cooler than being cool?” They said “ICE COL-” Lucky lawsuit of the week: Copyright infringement. Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – It’s ball season, so remember, you may be able to hide your sneaky naggin, but you’ll never be…
It’s Ash Wednesday, but I wrote these ‘Pancake Tuesday’ so pretend it’s Tuesday and gather ‘round children and stuff yer gobs with these juicy ‘scopes (it’s what we call horoscopes now, it’s shorter, it saves time, you’ll love it). Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – I gaze deeply into the stars, and they tell…