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SU Welfare Officer Opens Up About Drug Allegations

Following on from weeks of allegations and rumours about illegal activities being carried out by UCC Student Union’s Welfare Officer, Katie Quinlan has opened up about the accusations. Without a hint of irony Quinlan outlined her shock at the accusations of dealing cocaine from her SU office on thebuzz.ie. “The only thing I’m selling is condoms and don’t let Yik Yak or anything else tell you otherwise”.

In an exclusive follow up interview with the Express this week we can confirm that the fallout from the KT USEaccusations don’t end here. After a number of offers from publishers and media outlets Quinlan has announced she is set to release a book detailing her experiences following the social media storm titled “If I Did It: Confessions of a Dealer”. The book is set to hypothetically discuss the methods by which an SU member could hypothetically sell hypothetical drugs from their offices. “The trick would be to create deniability” Quinlan told us “you see if I did sell cocaine, hypothetically, I could sell it in condoms in which case I’m still technically doing my job. That’s why I switched, I mean would switch, to selling magnum condoms, to create value for students which is very important to me. Hypothetically”.  

While Quinlan has come out in force against the accusations which seemingly originated on the anonymous social media app YikYak, similar accusations levelled against other SU members are yet to be challenged.  While the rumours range from the mundane, numerous users are insisting Deputy James Upton’s signature ginger facial hair is actually just glued on, others have grown more outlandish with many insisting Comms Officer Barry Nevin is actually just several primary school children standing on each other’s shoulders underneath a trenchcoat.

The rumour mongering doesn’t end with current SU members however, several recent threads have been devoted to predicting the makeup of next year’s union. While most of the apparent contenders are up and comers in societies and other facets of college life there are several surprise candidates being predicted. With allegations of the current Welfare Officer’s side job striking a chord with many, recently recaptured and imprisoned El Chapo is a surprise favourite for next year’s Welfare position. Even more surprisingly many are predicting that should his current endeavours not work out as intended that Donald Trump would make a strong candidate for President. Many are hailing his strong belief in small government and reducing illegal immigration, drawing parallels with possible policies he could enact in the SU including reducing the number of sabbatical and society guild positions as well as erecting an enormous wall to protect against CIT.

While there is little evidence to back up these rumours numerous national media outlets have picked up the story, why exactly they would comment on the random nonsense of an anonymous social media app is still unknown although according to one YikYak user it’s “all because of the feminazi cabal that’re trying to shut down the college and drill for oil under the Kane building”.