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Students Under Threat: Climate Change

It has been reported that in 2017, more students have been under threat from climate change than ever before. As temperatures begin to rapidly decline in these winter months, young people are complaining in their thousands that it is just too fucking cold, and many report that they have already exceed the maximum amount of jumpers they can put on. The Express spoke to a tribe of those affected by the falling temperatures and discovered what it’s really like living in a student gaff in the dead of winter.

Katie Deedy, a Chemistry student living on Magazine Road, opens the door to her home where she resides with four other people. Inside, the smell of death hangs in the air and I enquire as to whether anyone has died from hypothermia in their Tundra-like semi. “Oh, no, someone just got got sick into the fireplace last night, sorry.”

I meet the other housemates, and as expected, all are clad in an unreasonable amount of layers, as well as a strange tabby-like fur they seem to share. “There was a problem of stray cats in town, so we got them all and started taping them to our bodies for warmth. Sure, you get clawed, but it’s better than nothing.” Her coat meowed in agreement.

The clothing seem to be just one of the group’s innovative coping methods. Tom Farran, a Law student shows me some of the others – “We’ve started lighting a few small fires around the house, too, using some of our first year textbooks. We were told to buy them but never to use them, so we might as well have burned sixty euro anyway. Also, we have nightly competitions to see who can get the most pairs of socks on. I’m winning so far, with nearly twelve pairs. One of my toes has still started to turn black though, so I’m a bit worried.”

When asked about the clearly devastating living conditions, the students’ landlord, Stan G. Priq, had this to say: “Well, whenever I’ve been in there, it’s been fine. Toasty, even. But you can bet I’ll be taking their security deposit and blaming them for breaking the heating once summer comes, that’s for sure.” The students reportedly protested this injustice, but were met with only the suggestion to put on another jumper. At their wits end, the housemates begin to imitate methods utilised by German soldiers trekking through the Russian wilderness in World War Two –  namely vodka, and lots of it. Soon however, this too fails – impossibly, the vodka actually freezes.

The house, though Baltic and unforgiving, looks like a perfect winter wonderland, and I tell Katie how much I admire the vod-cicles hanging from the ceiling, as well as snowflakes drifting down from above. “Oh, yeah, that’s actually just the asbestos. Pretty, though, isn’t it?”

It seems that winter truly has come to 69 Magazine Road, but having seen the various innovations of these wily housemates, I feel that there is hope. Evolution is at its most stunning in the student population, and it is clear that our species is an adaptable one. And if in doubt, you could always just stick on another jumper.