What’s your fate this week?
Aries: You’ll accidentally tell a little white lie about yourself which will rapidly spiral out of control. As a result, you’ll become famous but for reasons of which you’re not entirely sure.
Taurus: That one person you shifted in Havana’s because you felt bad for them way back when is suddenly returning into your life; they’ve resurrected as a dashing socialite now so popular they’ll blank you while passing you by in the Coffee Dock.
Gemini: March is the month your anus will prolapse – it’ll be funny though.
Cancer: You’ll open the lid of your toilet next time you go to take a shit and find a fat cat. It’ll be your new companion and may even help you cheat in your exams.
Leo: Come at life with the same carefree attitude as somebody who hits ‘reply all’ on institutional emails.
Virgo: Sleep paralysis involving the Sim you drowned in the pool by taking the ladder out in 2009 is coming for you.
Libra: You’ll beat your meat and it’ll beat you back.
Scorpio: Your jealousy demon will be coming out to play this month, also Michael Jackson’s ghost will pay you a visit in Boole.
Sagittarius: You’ll have one Kopparberg too many and tattoo his name on your calf.
Capricorn: You’ll open your laptop in the filled lecture theatre, Pornhub will blast the squeals and grunts of that porn you never turned off last night and it won’t shut off until you make seven-seconds eye contact with your crush.
Aquarius: You and your sugar daddy will start cyber-bullying each other. You claim you’re scared of commitment, but you’ve been wearing that same pair of underwear since you were thirteen.
Pisces: You’re going bowling, not because it’s fun, but only because you love three fingers in a hole down an ally.