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Seven Success Secrets of Long Distance

Have you been forcefully prised away from your significant other? Do you miss arguing over who snores the loudest? Would you often find yourself lamenting the times you didn’t appreciate all the times they wouldn’t shut up talking when you were dying from a hangover? Do you hate seeing everyone else tweeting ‘#longdistancesucks’ because their boyfriend returns home for the midterm break, even though he only lives an hour way? Fear not, there are ways around the rage (unfollow these bellends) and there are means to ensuring that your relationship stays Nicholas Sparks worthy. Just follow these few hints and tips to make sure your lad stays your lad!

1. Excessive Communication

Worried he will forget you? Not a problem! It’s important he knows you are thinking about him at all times.  Set a reminder on your phone every two hours to send him just a cute little reminder of how much you love him on Messenger, Instagram, Snapchat and Whatsapp. It is paramount you use all of these at the same time to remain consistent.

If you are feeling particularly amorous, make sure to post a lengthy declaration of love and include lots of personal details about him on a public platform (i.e., Facebook and Twitter). It will drive him wild!


2. Do Things Together

Just because you are apart, doesn’t mean you can’t spend time together. Sure, he might say he was actually planning on having some alone time with the housemates, just playing playstation or having a few beers. But you know what he really wants: umpteen hours of your presence!

Videochat him for the entire evening. He doesn’t need to speak to you. He can just prop his camera up somewhere in his living room where you can see him. Then you can multi-task and get some work done while also spending time with your man. It’s all about balance!


3. See It As An Opportunity

If you have followed step 1, then you can relax because he will know you adore him. (Phew!) And the world will too. (Yay!) But how can you be sure he feels the same? Take this as an opportunity to test him. Lads LOVE tests. It ignites the competitive streak in them. Take a break from step one and don’t contact him for two hours. Then post a Snapchat to your story of you taking a cosy selfie with a random lad (preferably on a night out) and caption it ‘Reunited with this one’. If you really want to get your fella amped up, maybe throw on a heart eyes emoji for good measure!

Then, and this is where it will get really gas, don’t reply when he asks you who it is. When you next talk to your fella oh how ye will laaaugh at how gas it was! And sure isn’t laughter the key to a happy relationship?


4. Set Some Ground Rules

This is where your organisational skills will get their time to shine. Make out a list of rules that you feel will benefit the both of you in a way that will ensure the ongoing harmony in your relationship. These can be general, common sense type of demands – I mean, guidelines. Usually something along the lines of no working with girls under the age of 45, no girls numbers in his phone except his mother’s, no clubbing, no lad’s night out (which can be counted as such if there is more than one other lad in a vicinity that serves alcohol) and he must call you by 10.30pm for at least two hours every night. The opportunities are endless. Just make sure you aren’t being unreasonable.

It’s also good to lay some ground rules for yourself out of fairness. For example, you can’t forget to message every two hours (see step 1). Other than that, you probably don’t need any rules. Go you!

Finally, once you have your list make a pie chart and/or bar chart to display the rules in handy places around his apartment/car/work place so that everyone else is aware of the rules. This way they won’t be tempted to sway him because everybody respects a pie chart. Also create an excel file for ‘incidents’ where rules have been breached. Lads love guidance. And this is a good way to show him how attentive you are to his whereabouts at all times. He will think, “she is going to make such a good wife”. And by God, you will!


5. Make Visits To Each Other

Do you know that he has a really important deadline coming up? Has he told you how stressful it is and how little time he has to get it done? It’s okay, you understand. He need say no more. No one knows your man like you do.

Land up at his house with absolutely no notice. If he tells you he is too busy to do anything then ensure to, very sternly (and if needs be hysterically), tell him that he needs you more than he needs the job. You are only looking out for him after all. He will appreciate it in years to come.


6. Keep Up To Date

It’s important that you don’t miss any of the memories your partner is making without you. Be supportive of his activities. Keep an eye on his Facebook, Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram likes feed to see what he’s up to. But you need to invest more than just that so also do the same for his friends, family, work colleagues, and company Linkedin page. Then question him on everything you have seen. Especially the posts he wasn’t directly tagged in because he will know the lengths you went to and will feel immensely loved.


7. Talk Dirty To Each Other

Do you have a hat? Are you ready to hold onto it? Well, good! To really drive him wild, tell him you are going to let him forget the relationship guidelines for one night only. Take one of your trusty pie charts and slowly rip it up in front of him. This will let him know you’re serious. (In any case, you have laminated ones in the back of your wardrobe to replace it with later. Again, you are so organised. Wife goals).

Then, for the finale. What will really, really get him going? Tell him you are going to go on the lad’s night out WITH him! Surprise! He will be speechless. Literally. You really are just so thoughtful.


Long distance is tough but it is not impossible. It will be worth it when you have a ring on your finger and can tell those smug co-workers of yours how, against their advice, you came out a winner. By following my seven secrets of success you can ensure you are well on your way to being a wife for life!