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Scientists Still Not Sure Where that Tin of Tuna in your Press Came From

Top scientists have revealed this week that they’re still not entirely sure where that tin of tuna in your press came from.

Researchers from every major university in Ireland apart from Trinity College (on account of them being “hard work”) have spent the past decade attempting to explain the phenomenon, theorising that tins of tuna generally do not appear in a press without someone placing them there. So far, however, the theory remains unproven. Dr. Joan West of University College Cork explains why.

“You would imagine that this would simply be a matter of finding out whether or not people bought the tins and then put them in the press,” Dr. West, who has headed the research team since 2006, said in a statement, “but the answers we have gotten have been inconclusive. It’s as if the tuna has been lying around since time immemorial.”

Conspiracy theorists have since taken matters into their own hands, with internet forums such as ‘Bigger Tuna Fish to Fry’, which is based in Sweden, gaining popularity as scientific research has continued to yield inconclusive results. The most popular view being subscribed to at the moment claims that the confusion is an elaborate plan by tuna aficionados to indoctrinate as many people as possible, through the use of subliminal messaging, into some sort of tuna-worshipping cult.

“Nobody even likes tun [sic], man! U know who likes tuna?? CULTS,” DublinersAgainstTunaSecrecy, a regular visitor to the BTFF forum who is believed to be from Dublin, posted on Monday. Researchers have since broken their silence around the conspiracy theorists to assure the public that while the scenario is “unlikely”, they are “looking into it”.

“Between you and me,” Dr. West revealed to our reporter in a confidential conversation, “this whole thing is making me lose faith in my discipline, which is physics. Y’know what is cool? Aliens. I’m thinking of giving it all up and focusing on them. But don’t publish that.”

The next step in the process will be the most adventurous yet, with a nationwide survey being sent to every Irish household in the coming weeks. Previous surveys carried out in Britain suggest that the tuna tin phenomenon – described as “possibly paranormal” by the British Journal of Natural Sciences – affects at least 8 in 10 households, although commentators have suggested that confusion over whether tins containing brine count may have skewed the results.