After years of failing returns and not so stellar critics reviews, RTE has been forced to take drastic measures to try and right their sinking ship.
“We just can’t compete,” Dee Forbes, Director General of the state broadcaster told the Express, “People just want to binge watch Netflix all day. My son just told me he has 1 Terabyte of Hentai stored in the cloud! How the hell does RTE compete with that?”
In recent years the broadcaster has tried to lure viewers in with “Boundary pushing”, “Innovative programming”, but even this failed.
“We’ve made so many gritty, dark crime dramas, but no one cares! We’ve made the Late Late Show sexier, but still nothing! In the end we just gave Amy Huberman all the money and told her to make as many immersion jokes as she could.” Forbes then went on to describe how RTE will rectify the situation, “We have identified the problem. It’s the people of Ireland. They’re spoiled. They think that just because we offer shows with no production value or effort that they can just stop paying their TV licences? Just because they’d rather watch Game of Thrones than Daniel and Majella’s B&B Roadtrip doesn’t mean they can get away with not paying.”
So instead of investing money back in to making quality programming, RTE slashed the special effects budget for Fair City and started the “License Squad”. A crack team of heavily armed, power hungry RTE stars, to enforce T.V license laws.
The Express followed the team on one of their first excursions. The offending house was situated on College Road. The occupants, all below the age of eighty, didn’t even watch RTE. The T.V was only used for movie nights and drunken Just Dance battles, but that didn’t matter. The team moved swiftly, massacring the students in minutes. Miriam O Callaghan lead the charge, ramming the door down and blind firing. Dathi O Shea and Tubridy followed suit, relishing the violence.
O’Callaghan, smeared in viscera and high on bloodlust had this to say about the operation, “It was a complete success. Me and Tubridy are back in Coke money and RTE will give us 100 more years of bland programming!”
The team were unable to comment further as they sped off to fire bomb Virgin Media One.