Reeling in the Years is a fond favourite of most Irish people, in that it’s an actually decent RTÉ production and it is made of nothing but nostalgia. The show went on an indefinite hiatus in 2010 after the broadcast of the highlight show for the year 2007, to allow for time to move on & allow for proper historical context. In a bold new move, RTÉ have commissioned the UCC Express to report the news as it happens…before it happens. So without further ado… Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, Children of all ages; Dorian Deville and the UCC Express proudly present to you: Reeling in the Years 2017.
Main Story – Vermin Supreme Elected US President
Song – We’re (Nickel) Back Again, by “Too Bad” Chad Kroeger
While many political commentators of 2015 & 2016 had resigned the US Presidential Election to being a two-horse race between Hillary Clinton, the Democratic Party candidate, and Donald J. Trump, the Republican Party candidate, they were too quick to wave off a third party candidate. Despite the popularity of Green Party candidate Jill Stein with former Bernie Sanders supporters, meme-factory Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson’s bizarre optimism and former Independence Party member Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura’s assertions that a shady New World Order organisation would seize power publicly (despite an earlier statement where he stated they already ran the world behind the scenes anyway), perennial ‘joke candidate’ Vermin Supreme was elected in a landslide victory. Working on a platform of Free Ponies for every American, many claimed it was this that ultimately led to the win for President-elect Supreme, whereas others claim it was more a loss for the two major parties than a win for this plucky independent. Indeed, many pinpoint the moment that, following Hillary Clinton falling victim to pneumonia, Donald Trump developed a case of cholera in another attempt to one-up his rival.
Also in the news: the bee population of the earth shows a small increase.
Main Story – Ireland Houses All Refugees
Song – Editing Deadline Blues, by The Expressionists
For most of 2015, and all of 2016, the news was full of horrific images of refugees fleeing their native, war-torn lands only to be lost at sea on makeshift rafts or living in dreadful temporary accommodation facilities. An Taoiseach Enda Kenny makes a decision midway through the month to offer amnesty for the immigrants & refugees of the world in Laois. The charitable act by the small island nation inspires the democratic powers of the world to reevaluate their positions on international relations, leading to the end of all global wars. Speaking to the Express, the office of An Taoiseach simply stated that they had “forgotten” about the midland county, and thought they had to use it for something before 2022 or it’d go back to Britain.
Also in the news: Rumblings at DMZ in Korea as rumours circulate in North Korea.
Main Story – War breaks out in Africa
Song – Hava Tequila, by Papa Daddy
Following a rapid de-escalation in all conflicts across the world, News Corp head honcho Rupert Murdoch discovers a shocking drop in ratings of news programmes, and a collapse in sales of newspapers worldwide. In a desperate ploy for ratings, a small-scale invasion was launched on the African nation of Djibouti. While Mr.Murdoch initially denies any involvement in the invasion, he does remark that if the war doesn’t increase ratings then at least people might find the name of the country humorous enough to sell newspapers.
Results are disastrous, as President Supreme extends his free pony policy to the rest of the world, and soldiers on both sides of the conflict are too busy frollicking through meadows; this was also the primary reason for the collapse of newspaper sales.
Also in the news: A large buzzing noise comes from the direction of Pyongyang, confusing military strategists and locals alike.
Main Story – Bressie Wins Snap Election
Song – Amhrán na Feen, by ‘Big D’ Eoin D
While the move to adopt all the world’s refugees was heralded as a great humanitarian move all around the world, it wasn’t a successful domestic policy for Taoiseach Enda Kenny, as Ireland’s new citizens realise how much of a gowl he really is & now represent a somewhat overcrowded voting block. An election is called for later in the month which is won by a collection of independent candidates. Musician, life-coach and first-time TD Bressie is appointed Taoiseach of this rag-tag government, pledges to solve the overcrowding crisis by getting everyone to go for a walk.
Also in the news: the buzzing noise increases, as black pulsating clouds move towards Asia from all corners of the globe.
Main Story – Everything’s Pretty Class tbh
Song – 4’ 69” by Durty Biy John Cage
Everything’s just…kinda good? The world is stunned, or I guess they would be if they weren’t too busy chilling out. A stout combination of free ponies and good vibes means people aren’t really up to much, especially things like crime, war and accounting. An Taoiseach Bressie declares May “National Chill-Out” month, as he sets off on world wide tour with President Supreme. They are expected to head up a worldwide peace summit in Seoul, Republic of Korea in mid June.
Also in the news: Dude, do you know how sweet it is to have your own pony? They’re, like…so cool. Also, no real bee sightings, or that weird buzzing noise
Main Story – North Korea disrupt peace summit
Song – Ain’t None of Your Bizniz, by Barry B. Benson
The Global Peace Summit in Seoul is interrupted by Kim Jong Un & North Korean forces. The North Korean army display the speed & agility of a small flying insect of some kind, taking all security forces by surprise. Kim Jong Un discards his mask to reveal he’s been a cloud of bees this entire time, explaining the gradual drop in bee population in the last few years. The North Korean dictator (who, again, is a cloud of sentient bees) seizes control of the television cameras and declares that Planet Earth has been an alien YouTube prank social experiment this entire time. The bees fly into the sky as most people say they don’t really understand how they got away with it, and many believe all of humanity were simply actors. As the last bee leaves the earth caves in on itself due to the weight of all the ponies. Oh well.