The Gardaí have reported that pint glass theft is now at an all-time high. Threat levels were raised to level Rebel Red in response to the recent surge in pint glass pilfering. Sergeant Murphy, of the Banter Buster Unit located near Bridewell Garda Station, had this to say:
“I am sick of all you little shits thinking you’re feckin Butch Cassidy with the Beamish glasses. Sticking a pint glass in your Jansport while on a course night-out in Wetherspoons cannot and will not make you legend, nor will it get you the ride. Seriously. Stop.”
Appeals have also been issued for any information regarding the ‘Goblet Gatherer’, a serial stealer currently wreaking havoc on pubs across Cork City. Sources say the Gatherer is rumoured to have stolen nearly fifty pint glasses during his reign of terror, which is still ongoing. One victim, Jim O’Connor, of O’Connor’s pub in Turner’s Cross, told The Express:
“We really are at our wit’s end here. We’ve had to start giving people drinks in all those weird gin balloon thingies. Nobody wants that. The customers are starting to get notions, raising their drinks every five minutes like they’re bloody Jay Gatsby. Myself, I can feel my masculinity slowly slipping away. A man needs his pint glass like a fish needs a bicycle – to make him look cool, y’know? Though I do like doing the swishy-swishy thing with those chalice-y yokes.”
Other pub owners are said to have taken more simple measures, such as placing their beverages in plastic cups. Scores of adult customers are now beginning to resemble something like an oversized children’s party. With the guise of sophistication now ripped away, the true face of drunken stupidity has reared its ugly head. Classic pub antics and traditions are gradually, and perhaps tragically, disappearing. Now, the dropping of a drink to the floor is no longer accompanied by a satisfying smash, and the sarcastic congratulatory calls of friends and fellow pub-goers now fade from “waheyyyy” to “oh… eh, never mind.”
Thankfully, however, the decanter drought has brought about a drop in the number of glassings across the city. Bar brawlers everywhere are discovering the terrible disappointment of trying to disfigure opponents with useless weapons, such as the aforementioned plastic or occasionally paper cup. Two such fighters, Joe Lynch and Ciara Connery, recounted the terrible anti-climax of their own bar fight. Ms.Connery remembers:
“I don’t actually really remember what we were fighting about… to be honest, I think I just rocked up to the pub that night wanting to beat the shit out of someone and Joe seemed to have the kind of face I was looking for. Just that cunt-y look about him, y’know? Anyway, after I’d screamed a few obscenities at him and we’d thrown a few punches, I tried to grab a glass beside me to shatter over his head, only to find some stupid red cup, like those ones you’d see in a cringey frat party movie. I was so overcome with embarrassment I just dropped it and walked away. I’m no longer the big man I was, to be honest with you.”
Ciara’s family have confirmed that she is now the family disappointment. This is just one of the many tragic tales that have come with the recent surge in pint glass thievery, and we can only hope that someday, soon, people will start to just fucking stop.