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Patriotic Arts Student Fails English

Christmas exam results were released last week, and while many students were hoping for high grades, or at very least a pass, one man couldn’t care less. Michael Leary, a first-year arts student, failed all of his subjects, but failed one more spectacularly than the others; Mr. Leary somehow secured minus 10%, making him the first student in UCC history to receive a mark below zero… not that he gave a shit, the fucking legend.

This astounding mark drew the attention of a multitude of college students and staff, most asking if he was a bizarre evil genius, or just plain thick. An on-campus Republican group, however, took a different view on the matter:

“You may all see a waster, a fool…someone who’d thrive at CIT, but I see a true Irish hero!” One leader said at one of the group’s 96,000 planned rallies this year, “I’ve never seen someone with such a hatred for that dirty language in my life, and sure that’s all you need really!” Leary was welcomed eagerly by the group, the members so fervent with patriotism that they were foaming at the mouth, or possibly foaming due to a severe vitamin deficiency caused by a diet consisting solely of potatoes and Beamish – the diet of a true patriot.

Spurred on by the actions of their newest idol, a splinter group stepped up their action against the English language. First the group took their complaints to the President of UCC, hoping to get the subject removed altogether.

“They barged into my office,” the President told the Express, still baffled by the experience. “Chanting and singing. Once they had calmed down a bit they brought that boy to the front, you know, the simple one. He looked scared to be honest. They made him ask me to remove English from the curriculum. Naturally I refused. They weren’t very happy about it, I’ll tell you. Pelted me with really badly printed copies of the proclamation as they went off.”

Tensions rose and rose on campus between the school of English and the campaign group until it culminated in the attempted detonation of Boole 4 during a Lecture on Twelfth Night early Tuesday morning. The alarm was raised when one student spotted the suspicious device, and the hall was evacuated. The bomb squad was called in and after a tense hour, the hall was declared safe. “The bomb was terribly made,” a member of the squad revealed to the Express, “honestly, I think it’s just a bulky clock, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.”   

The Republicans have denied responsibility for the act, “sure we wouldn’t know anything about that,” a spokesperson for the group said. “it was probably one of the exchange students. We can’t be terrorists sure, we’re Irish! You have to be brown to be a terrorist!” A note reading: ‘Shakespeare was a Tan’ was found alongside the bomb/clock.

Just as it seemed they were getting some traction around college, rumours swirled that Mr. Leary, the catalyst for the entirety of the troubles, had failed foundation level Irish in Secondary School. The group went into hiding for a day before bringing out Mr. Leary, stuttering a slightly mispronounced rendition of Geibheann, retrospectively passing his exams, as the group believed, and with that Mr. Leary ascended to Irish legend status among heroes like Fionn and Cuchulain.