Early yesterday morning, newly inducted Irish president Michael D Higgins held his first press conference of the new year outside his Dublin residence. Standing on two shoeboxes so as to reach the microphone, he addressed the sea of awaiting reporters; “I have made many pledges during my campaign and I intend to keep them all, my first action as Irish president will be to construct a mighty wall 4 feet high around the CIT campus and all adjoining student accommodations so that no student will be able to come into this country unless they are superhuman giants.”
This move was welcomed by many locals in the surrounding Cork area who have launched frequent complaints about CIT graduates stealing the minimum wage jobs usually reserved for local 16-year olds and philosophy students. Many locals are calling for the parents of students to be sent across the wall with their children with one local stating “the kind of parent who would send their child to CIT should burn in hell, or worse, CIT”
The proposed wall is to be constructed along model farm road before the entrance to the local Mount Mercy College whose students the president described as “too far gone” and will end before Ballincollig, encompassing parts of Bishopstown including the bar locally known as ‘The Bish’. When asked for comment the owner of the bar, Barry Fitzgerald, stated, “at the Bishopstown bar and restaurant we have always prided ourselves on being a local UCC bar and plead for the president to reconsider locking us in with those miscreants”.
A special Garda task force has been commissioned to track down all rogue CIT students living in UCC accommodations or student housing outside of the wall. Students currently living in digs will be exempt from this as they have suffered enough already according to the Garda Commissioner.
In response to questioning on where the money for a project of this magnitude will be sourced the President stated “Don’t worry I’ve started my own YouTube vlogging channel, the ad money will be rolling in any day now, otherwise I’ll just get Mexico to pay for it.”
Unfortunately, not everyone is happy with the president’s proposed plans, a group of UCC students who went on a pilgrimage to the IT last year as part of a charity programme to build wells for CIT students described the people there as ‘misunderstood’ and ‘harmless’. Barry Mulligan, founder of activist group CIT is Only Kind of Shite, has started a hunger strike in protest and has vowed to not eat any chicken rolls until the president terminates the proposed building plans.
Construction will be completed by the county council and is proposed to begin as soon as they are arsed.