The Government today unveiled its new 3 step plan to tackle the mental health problems that plague the young people of Ireland. This plan is extensive, thorough and sure to solve this complex problem. “With this move, we are showing that the Government of Ireland is committed to helping young people understand and overcome their mental health challenges,” Minister for Health, Simon Harris said in a statement today, “The problem had been ignored for too long!”
STEP 1: IGNORE IT.
Ireland is not a place to talk about shit, so bury your problems deep inside, as deep as all those babies were buried. Don’t talk about it, you don’t want to be weird, do you? A basket case like? Of course not! That’s why we’re pulling funding from ‘Jigsaw’ and ‘Pieta House’ to found, ‘You’re Grand’, a new mental health centre. It’s been scientifically proven that talking through your problems with a mental health professional is bullshit. ‘You’re Grand’ will train new psychiatrist to ignore all your underlying difficulties and instead tell you how grand you are. The first trial case from ‘Your Grand’ has already been a tremendous success; the teenager who came in was completely cured of his depression, by ‘smiling more’ and ‘manning up’.
STEP 2: DRINKING.
Still feeling a bit blue? Bottling up all your emotions at ‘Your Grand’ somehow did not work? Well don’t worry, we’re here to help again. Why not drown yourself in a well-known depressant? Ireland has been doing it for decades and it hasn’t gone wrong yet! You’ll forget all about your existential dread and crippling anxiety when you have a few pints in you! GP’s are now advised to prescribe 3 pints of Beamish instead of antidepressants or psychiatric help. Anyone who rings Niteline will receive a free pass to Mile High in Havana’s! This is sure to put a smile on even your mopiest friends face!
STEP 3: HYPNOSIS.
If, inconceivably, you’re still feeling a bit grumpy, The Health service has one last initiative to turn that frown upside down! We have now hired Keith Barry, national treasure, to help deal with the mental health crisis among young people. “It’s typical teenagers you know? They’re just a bit angsty. Keith here is gonna hypnotise them and make them forget aaaaalll about their little ‘suicidal thoughts’”.
The Minister was then distracted as Barry made Simon Covney act like a chicken. Harris did however return after the magic show to elaborate on the plan, “It should cheer them right up! Even if it doesn’t, sure, we can get them to do a bunch of funny shit; act like a dog, shit themselves, at least we can laugh at them. They’ll finally be good craic!”