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McGregorism Named Ireland’s Hottest New Religion

Following the meteoric rise of world renowned man-wrangler Conor McGregor, a cult-like worship has sprung up around Ireland, and today that cult has been officially recognised as Ireland’s main religion.
At a ceremony this morning the young disciples of Saint McGregor turned up in their droves. Fuelled by their love for a muscly man who punches other muscly men for a living, and an unhealthy amount of piss-coloured energy drink, they lined the streets and waited anxiously for their saviour to arrive.
“He’s one of us really,” one fan shared with the Express as he waited, “He’s down to earth you know? Money hasn’t changed him. He’s just like us and he’s proud of it-.” The statement was cut short by Mc Gregor tearing through the crowd with his solid gold Lamborghini, killing at least ten people. This only made the crowd cheer harder, what a cheeky scamp.
McGregor left his car illegally parked on the massacred plebs and climbed the steps of St. Patrick’s cathedral to make his speech. He ripped the microphone from the stand that was set up and began to pace about, like he really needed a piss or something, and soon began to ‘call out’ St. Patrick.
“You’re nothin’ but a big pussy, Patrick! Meet me in the octagon and I’ll show you there’s still a few snakes left in Ireland…These pythons!” The soon-to-be saint then ripped off his suit that costs more than your college tuition to reveal UFC’s trademark Reebok short-shorts and, in a moving display, put a statue of St. Patrick in a headlock. Thus the ceremony was complete.
The Catholic church is having a tough time adjusting to the change, according to one priest; Father O’Reilly, from North Dublin, said: “It’s been strange alright. I’m not sure I like having an eight-sided cage in my church, but what can you do? The orders came straight from Rome…I mean Las Vegas, sorry. I do like the new uniforms however, much more flattering than the weird white dress things,” O’Reilly stated, looking visibly pleased with his new garb, consisting of a sickly neon Tapout shirt and shorts mandatorily worn several sizes too small. The seventy-eight year-old priest’s parishioners looked less pleased.
The Irish public have similarly been hesitant to accept McGregor as their new patron saint. “I’m not a fan, no,” said Martina Cleary, a recent widow, “Myself and my late husband were waiting for the six one, all ready for the angelus then, bam, that ruffian came on.” Mrs.Cleary is referring to the new Angelus, which involves McGregor gurning and calling the viewer a little bitch for a minute straight. It has tragically been fatal, being the cause of death for many unsuspecting pensioners in the last few weeks.
The young men of Ireland however have taken to the new religion like a skinny sixteen year-old to a McGregor branded protein bar (only €7.99!!!). “It’s fucking great, man!” one teen exclaimed, his eyeballs vibrating after his seventh can of Monster that day, “Being a complete antisocial prick is now protected as a religious activity, all because Conor does it!”
The Express tried to reach Saint McGregor for a comment but we were told we needed to pay an extra pay per view fee for the interview.