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Local Woman Wages War on Germs

A local woman has recently declared war on the vicious cold germs infecting her body.

Theresa Sheehan, 29, from Shamrock Lawn, says she is prepared to take her cold-fighting strategies to the extreme if necessary. Sheehan noticed the warning signs of a cold beginning late last week, when she began to sneeze and cough at an alarming rate.

“I knew it right then, the bastards had got me”  Sheehan recounts from her bedroom, which moreso resembles a military base than anything else. Her many duvets form a thick fortress, and the Douglas local seemingly has enough Sudafed to run a meth lab that would make Walter White blush.

When asked about her noticeably aggressive disease-control methods, which include an ammo belt filled with canisters of Difflam throat spray and a strict hand sanitizing routine, the bacteria-battler stated that she simply has no respect for the common cold: “Fuck the common cold” she says, “Seriously. At least with like, mono or tonsillitis or something, they’re respectable diseases. They’re straight up – they don’t fuck around and change forms like the cold does. But the cold – that’s a sneaky one. But not this year, I say. Common cold, get ready, it’s about to get hot in here,” the sickly Sheehan states, ramping up the temperature on her portable heater.

I enquire whether Ms. Sheehan has taken time off work in order to continue her campaign against this viral villain. She confirms that she has: “A few more days and I should be out of the infectious phase. I didn’t want to risk passing it around the office and giving it an opportunity to cover more ground. Janice especially- she’s an easy target. Wouldn’t touch a bloody orange and doesn’t take a multivitamin. Never drinks her Actimel, either.” I inform Theresa that we earlier received word from her workplace confirming that Janice had, in fact, been infiltrated. Slowly, she shakes her head. “A weak link… but a comrade nonetheless.”

After she takes a moment to process the news, Theresa continues, outlining in detail her tips for avoiding this vicious virus: “Two words: Hand. Sanitizer. Touched a door handle? Hand Sanitizer. Used the bathroom? Hand sanitizer. No time to shower? Hand sanitizer. Receive an unsolicited dick pic? Hand sanitizer.” (Disclaimer: after consulting a medical professional it has been confirmed that you cannot use hand sanitizer on your eyes. Though in that instance, we wish you could).

From the looks of things, the common cold will soon be defeated here in Shamrock Lawn. If you happen to find yourself struck down by a cold this winter, like Theresa and so many other unfortunate souls, we wish you a speedy recovery. Take care of yourself. Have a Lemsip. Guilt your roommate into making you soup. Sure look, you’ll be grand (until next year, that is).