“She was giving him the ‘fuck me eyes’, we all saw it!” Brenda Cronin, a Cavan native, still reeling from the saucy performance that has become the talk of the Oscars, told the Express today, “There was a reason Bradley’s girlfriend sat between them! Shocking stuff. I’m scandalised if I’m being honest.”
Since watching Bradley Cooper and the aforementioned Gaga’s Oscar performance of their trash song “Shallow”, Brenda has become an amateur sleuth, determined to follow her hunch and find the truth. Unable to let it go she has begun investigating the singer, mostly by calling her a homewrecker a lot.
“She’s a dirty little trollop! His poor girlfriend! They have a child you know! The gall of her, trying to seduce a nice man like that!” Brenda has left her job as a Primary School teacher to become a full-time private investigator, whether she gets a license or not.
“Like, she doesn’t seem to understand the concept of acting,” Brenda’s daughter Catherine explained, “It was the Oscars like…but no. She’s just locked herself in her room and keeps calling Lady Gaga shit like, harlot, skank, adulterer, fallen woman. I’m worried about her, honestly.”
Brenda’s room is currently covered in pictures of Gaga and Cooper, a web of red string connects them all. “It goes so much deeper than I first thought,” a chain smoking, sickly pale Brenda explains to us in hushed tones, as if she is afraid someone is listening, “They’re all involved.”
“I’ve done a frame by frame examination of the performance, look! It’s so obvious, how didn’t I see it before? She’s clearly giving him a hand job, that brazen hussy!” Brenda reveals.
Brenda was last seen buying a hunting rifle and vowing to, and we quote, “Cleanse Gaga once and for all.”