There was widespread shock and revulsion in the Vegan community of Ireland as recent tests found Human DNA in “Pompous Pear” ready meals. The affected meals were recalled quickly but the damage was done; Vegans all over Ireland had ingested human flesh.
“We really have no idea how this happened,” A spokesperson for the company told University Express, “We’re a locally owned, family run, eco-friendly multi-national conglomerate. We have the highest safety measures in place. It really is a mystery how our workers keep falling into the meat grinders.”
The scandal broke when an unnamed man in Sligo found a toe in his Quinoa and Kale burgers. He was initially shocked but did admit in confidence to University Express that the toe did, “Liven up the fucking thing.”
The Government has received over 20,000 complaints from Vegans across the country since the incident, which is actually a 10% decrease in the usual number of complaints from Vegans.
Rachel McInerney, the local town Vegan, had this to say last week when the scandal broke: “So, I was minding my own business, eating my sandwich in the park when a Vegetarian sat beside me. They had the cheek to eat an egg and cress sandwich in the same space as me. I could smell the cruelty. I mean, how evil can you be? So, I was writing my 6th whiny email of the week when I saw the news. I was astounded to say the least. I haven’t been this angry since I saw my child eat a sausage. He’s up for adoption now of course.”
At the time of writing however, the complaints have begun to drop off substantially. Surprisingly, Pompous Pear have been getting requests to add the Human meat back into the meals.
Liam O’ Ceidigh, president of Vegans Ireland made a statement about the recent shift in Vegan mentality earlier today, “After years of pretending we didn’t miss meat, and loved fucking bland, shitty quinoa, we are announcing our intention to switch to a diet of Human flesh. The reason we became Vegan in the first place was to stop animal cruelty and lessen our impact on the world. We don’t care if we’re cruel to humans, we’re all arseholes, and can you think of anything better for the environment than eating a posh prick who drives a Land Rover in a city centre?”
The Vegans have pledged to live their new Cannibalistic lifestyle in peace, consuming only the ready meals and never killing a human.
It is advisable that you not to approach a Vegan as they will still likely bore the hole off you talking about their new diet and tell you how you’re a terrible person for not eating Human meat