home Horoscopes Horoscopes with Sandwich the Cat

Horoscopes with Sandwich the Cat

Mystic Greg is ill today, so we’ve gotten a random intern of the cosmos to fill in. Yes, she is a cat.


Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – O(+iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii            +++++++++++++++============================ [Translation: I know I just ate, but milk is delicious, I demand more milk]


Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – ========================        ,                                                                                      ¬14o\awa qw l,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo loo [Translation: meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow]


Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – yggggwqgfb’/pufdhsyyyyyyyyyy. [Translation: Now you I like, you once gave me some real good butt pats. You may live]


Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – jdwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww’poiibt77b nm-

ijdhugqvwe. [Translation: jdwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww’poiibt77b nm- ijdhugqvwe]


Leo (July 22nd – Aug 21st) – koijshgdatfou7 tewfp=[;[lkdjh8

5dqgfrwtrye   8ru3y7pppppppppppppppppppppppp. [Translation: I could be the king of the jungle too if I wanted, jerk]


Virgo (Aug 22nd – Sept 22nd) – shdaa;u o0m-21=–smjsbbsn

]dddi9wqu8dhwg. [Translation: you will meet with an unfortunate end when you cross my path, human]


Libra (Sept 23rd – Oct 22nd) – qwdhugu86r2e97=pknlbvtsrdy21u09. [Translation: Pat my head yesssssss wait no….yesssssssssss-NO!….yessssssss]


Scorpio (Oct 23rd – Nov 21st) – lpkoiu8y7e vxju08hushuxmwql;wqndbyg-221217vd ddlnnwdq [Translation: I will nap here. Oh, that’s inconvenient for you? Well how about I just nap here anyway]


Sagittarius (Nov 22nd – Dec 21st) – mnjhgfsds90[ojs qhg———————09. [Translation: Thank you for buying a scratching post for me, human. How about I just ignore it forever, and sit in the box?]


Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 20th) – lkjhgs wew424424679-oijhsugyyidoppppppp/’DBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB7TYSG. [Translation: You will begin work on your FYP, but I want to nap on your face, so better clear your schedule and forget that notion]


Aquarius (Jan 21st – Feb 19th) – kjhgHJLKJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJDHASIUWQ [Translation: You will meet a handsome stranger, who you will fall madly in love with. Go with him, you will find serenity].


Pisces (Feb 20th – Mar 20th) – kjhsgg02s,s;s’[qqqqqqqqqqqqqqkjh876refokaKzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz [Translation: the cat legit just fell asleep on the Z key]


Mystic Greg

Mystic Greg is a 420 year old spider demon from modern-day Hólmavík, Iceland. He exclusively wears necropants from Topman. No one truly knows where Mystic Greg goes in the evening, but it's certainly not Havanas. Some say that if you get lost in the ORB and rub a silver coin on your genitals, Mystic Greg will appear to call you a gowl and show you the way out (you weren't going to that lecture anyway). Editorial Note: We have never seen Mystic Greg in person, we only receive their articles by carrier pigeon upon the full moon.