Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME that Shrek was first released 15 years ago. Fucking hell.
Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – If you walk backwards across the quad you’ll pass every exam you ever sit. This isn’t proven or anything, but Jupiter reckons it’s worth a shot.
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th) – If we assume pregnancy is about 40 weeks long, according to my calculations your parents rode and thus created you around this time however many years ago. Enjoy that mental image.
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd) – Karl Marx would be deeply ashamed of your recent conduct. How could you do this to him?
Leo (July 23rd – Aug. 22nd) – If you were a drag performer your drag name would be Offaly Good Looking 😉
Virgo (Aug. 23rd – Sept. 22nd) – Remember, always believe in your bum.
Libra (Sept. 23rd – Oct. 22nd) – Don’t worry about that dream you had. It’s okay. We’d all shag Willie O’Dea if we got the chance.
Scorpio (Oct. 23rd – Nov. 21st) – You will live up to your sign’s symbol this week by growing four extra legs and a tail. Should probably go see your GP about that.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22nd – Dec. 21st) – Don’t let your memes be dreams. Unless you have questionable taste in memes that is.
Capricorn (Dec. 22nd – Jan. 19th) – There will be an unusually high amount of small animals in your life this week. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Aquarius (Jan. 20th – Feb. 18th) – Try to steal the bust of George Boole outside the library! G’wan, it’s just banter!
Pisces (Feb. 19th – Mar. 20th) – If you jump on the crest you might actually manage to get the ride at some stage.
Ophiuchus (34th Smarch – 19th Scotchtober) – You will be extremely gullible & believe that NASA give a damn about astrology. You will also donate all your money to Mystic Greg. Hey, I just interpret the stars, I don’t make them up (NASA do)