Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* some romantic oral at the back of the 205.
Lucky bus stop of the week: Donovans Road.
Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a relaxing night in with a brightly coloured dragon dildo.
Lucky boots product of the week: Lube, so much lube.
Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a sad wank in your college room, with your own tears for lubrication.
Lucky household item of the week: A locked door, no one wants to walk in on that.
Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a delightful night of red wine and loving yourself. You go, crab human.
Lucky musical genre of the week: Some smooth jazz.
Leo (July 22nd – Aug. 21st) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a spontaneous BDSM threesome. Oooh, spicy!
Lucky police accessory of the week: Handcuffs.
Virgo (Aug. 22nd – Sept. 22nd) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* nothing. You’re ‘the virgin’, remember? Sorry.
Lucky jewelry of the week: A promise ring, it’s the only way you’ll ever get any.
Libra (Sept. 23rd – Oct. 22nd) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a sad handjob at the back of the cinema. Delightful.
Lucky paper product of the week: Some tissues. The staff aren’t paid enough to clean your jizz.
Scorpio (Oct. 23rd – Nov. 21st) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a drunken ride in an inappropriate location. Have you no shame?
Lucky item of the week: A tent, to hide your act from the general public.
Sagittarius – (Nov. 22nd – Dec. 21st) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a messy shift at the back of Chambers that gets a bit handsy but leads to nothing.
Lucky emotion of the week: Disappointment.
Capricorn – (Dec. 22nd – Jan. 20th) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* some sexy times with some genitals too big for your body to handle.
Lucky lubricant of the week: Numbing.
Aquarius – (Jan. 21st – Feb. 19th) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* the same old boring missionary position sex with the same partner you’ve been riding for the past year.
Lucky book of the week: The kama sutra, love yourselves.
Pisces – (Feb. 20th – Mar. 20th) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a terrible shift that reminds you of that time someone dared you to eat a raw oyster.
Lucky action of the week: Wiping your mouth on your sleeve when they’re not looking.