home Horoscopes Horoscopes with Mystic Greg – Valentine’s Day 2017

Horoscopes with Mystic Greg – Valentine’s Day 2017

Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* some romantic oral at the back of the 205.
Lucky bus stop of the week: Donovans Road.

 

Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a relaxing night in with a brightly coloured dragon dildo.
Lucky boots product of the week: Lube, so much lube.

 

Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a sad wank in your college room, with your own tears for lubrication.
Lucky household item of the week: A locked door, no one wants to walk in on that.

 

Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a delightful night of red wine and loving yourself. You go, crab human.
Lucky musical genre of the week: Some smooth jazz.

 

Leo (July 22nd – Aug. 21st) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a spontaneous BDSM threesome. Oooh, spicy!
Lucky police accessory of the week: Handcuffs.

 

Virgo (Aug. 22nd – Sept. 22nd) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* nothing. You’re ‘the virgin’, remember? Sorry.
Lucky jewelry of the week: A promise ring, it’s the only way you’ll ever get any.

 

Libra (Sept. 23rd – Oct. 22nd) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a sad handjob at the back of the cinema. Delightful.
Lucky paper product of the week: Some tissues. The staff aren’t paid enough to clean your jizz.

 

Scorpio (Oct. 23rd – Nov. 21st) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a drunken ride in an inappropriate location. Have you no shame?
Lucky item of the week: A tent, to hide your act from the general public.

 

Sagittarius – (Nov. 22nd – Dec. 21st) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a messy shift at the back of Chambers that gets a bit handsy but leads to nothing.
Lucky emotion of the week: Disappointment.

 

Capricorn – (Dec. 22nd – Jan. 20th) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* some sexy times with some genitals too big for your body to handle.
Lucky lubricant of the week: Numbing.

 

Aquarius – (Jan. 21st – Feb. 19th) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* the same old boring missionary position sex with the same partner you’ve been riding for the past year.
Lucky book of the week: The kama sutra, love yourselves.

 

Pisces – (Feb. 20th – Mar. 20th) – It’s valentine’s day, and for you the stars predict *drumroll* a terrible shift that reminds you of that time someone dared you to eat a raw oyster.
Lucky action of the week: Wiping your mouth on your sleeve when they’re not looking.

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Mystic Greg

Mystic Greg is a 420 year old spider demon from modern-day Hólmavík, Iceland. He exclusively wears necropants from Topman. No one truly knows where Mystic Greg goes in the evening, but it's certainly not Havanas. Some say that if you get lost in the ORB and rub a silver coin on your genitals, Mystic Greg will appear to call you a gowl and show you the way out (you weren't going to that lecture anyway). Editorial Note: We have never seen Mystic Greg in person, we only receive their articles by carrier pigeon upon the full moon.