Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – The stars wish to ask you “what’s cooler than being cool?” They said “ICE COL-”
Lucky lawsuit of the week: Copyright infringement.
Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – It’s ball season, so remember, you may be able to hide your sneaky naggin, but you’ll never be able to hide your shame over those dance moves you thought were cool at 1AM.
Lucky ‘OMG TUUUUUNE’ of the week: Euphoria, by Loreen.
Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – “Not all geminis” you yell, as you prepare for the stars weekly bollocking. The stars feel for you – both your faces look so stupid.
Lucky social group of the week: Meninists.
Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – Did you know camels evolved in really cold environments, not warm ones? Like, Arctic Circle type climates. This has nothing to do with your future though… or does it?
Lucky Black Eyed Peas song of the week: My Humps.
Leo (July 22nd – Aug. 21st) – Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the pain of existence, amirite ladies? Amirite?
Lucky philosopher of the week: Nietzsche.
Virgo (Aug. 22nd – Sept. 22nd) – I know you didn’t vote in the elections. You can’t lie to old wise Greg. What ever happened to Virgo-ing to the polls, huh?!
Lucky result of the week: The Presidential election, because you may have another chance to not-vote.
Libra (Sept. 23rd – Oct. 22nd) – You gorged on free food during elections and now you’re full of regrets (and doughnuts). At least that referendum failed, so that €40 is definitely still going to the Mardyke.
Lucky realisation of the week: You just realised that referendum asked you for €90 total, not just fifty.
Scorpio (Oct. 23rd – Nov. 21st) – You will feel overcome with the urge to fight someone during the coming weeks. Don’t ignore it. Prepare for battle. The stars believe in you.
Lucky oddly suggestive phrase of the week: Bite me.
Sagittarius – (Nov. 22nd – Dec. 21st) – You are like a smol tiny birb. Little birb. Good birb. Stars will protect you sweet birb.
Lucky noise of the week: Peep.
Capricorn – (Dec. 22nd – Jan. 20th) – Not everything is about puns, or memes. Sometimes things are about puns about memes. Meta.
Lucky meme variant of the week: Wot in star-nation (geddit, stars?? I suck).
Aquarius – (Jan. 21st – Feb. 19th) – What the heck even is your sign, man? This isn’t a horoscope, this is a callout. It includes ‘aqua’ meaning water but it’s an air sign??? What the frick dude???
Lucky feelings of the week: Confusion and rage.
Pisces – (Feb. 20th – Mar. 20th) – Do you ever see those fucked up looking scary toothy fish in the English Market? The monster looking feens? Go to them. They have a quest for you.
Lucky amulet of the week: the sacred amulet of Rex Khan Ra – follow the clues from the spooky fish to claim your destiny.