Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – Despite setting a hard-and-fast limit of €10 on the Secret Santa, your person is going to spend waaaaaay more money on your gift than you did theirs. Lucky emotion combo of the week: Remorse and incredible anger.
Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – Look, no matter how much you believed in the team, no matter how much you thought they were going to win, no matter how insistent you can be, AerLingus are not going to refund those tickets to Russia. Lucky phrase of the week: что такое ‘craic’.
Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – I can’t remember if your sign makes people love you or hate you, but the fact that those are the only options really says something about you, don’t you think? Lucky spread of the week: Marmite.
Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – You will randomly decide to read the food labels on everything you buy, realising that nothing you eat contains what you think it does. Lucky food of the week: yummy, delicious ‘crab flavoured sticks’.
Leo (July 22nd – Aug 21st) – Your centrist da will have you thinking that your flirtation with full communism is just a phase, but they say that about being gay and I’ve been sucking dick for 8000 years, just try and stop me. Lucky Marx of the week: Harpo.
Virgo (Aug 22nd – Sept 22nd) – You’ve been working on your tight-five for years, but don’t get tempted to give open mic night a go, that Borat impression you’ve been ‘killing it’ with your friends won’t cut it. Lucky joke of the week: “How does An Taoiseach get to the shops? By stepping on the throats of the poor and downtrodden… I mean, in a Varad-car.”
Libra (Sept 23rd – Oct 22nd) – You’ll get in a fight over which Mitchell Brother is who with your friend, ‘Hard Dave’, and I’m sorry to say this, but ‘Hard Dave’ is right: you’re Phil, baby. Lucky show of the week: something Grant Mitchell was in when he left the show, one where he’s cool and karate chops gang members or something.
Scorpio (Oct 23rd – Nov 21st) – After a big, introspective think, you decide to ditch the words ‘banter’, ‘funderful’ and ‘minge’ from your daily vocabulary. Good on ya. Lucky words of the week: ‘repartee’, ‘wonderfun’ and ‘clam-box’.
Sagittarius (Nov 22nd – Dec 21st) – Go to a local theatre show. Chances are one of the actors could get a big break, get really famous and disappoint us all with some scandal. Bastard. Lucky fruit of the week: a tomato, to throw at that dickhead now.
Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 20th) – Be thankful for your genetics, it could always be worse. Just look at your sister. Gross. Lucky bodypart of the week: normal ears.
Aquarius (Jan 21st – Feb 19th) – You’ll get go out on the tear with the lads, and have a lovely, respectful night out. Lucky concept of the week: genuine comradery & friendship.
Pisces (Feb 20th – Mar 20th) – I mean, at the end of the day, it could be worse. You could think Mick McCarthy was right in Saipan. Lucky play of the week: I, Keano.