home Horoscopes Horoscopes With Mystic Greg – Issue Nine

Horoscopes With Mystic Greg – Issue Nine

Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – Your RAG Week will take a turn when you try one of those keg stands you see in all those American frat movies. You do not have enough upper-body strength to manage it. Happy concussion! Lucky charity of the week: Headway Ireland.

Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – Your RAG Week will take a turn when you see that guy you’ve been chatting to for months on a night out. It’s time to make your move, and yes sir it will go well. Lucky charity of the week: Sexual Health Centre

Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – Your RAG Week will take a turn when you remember that RAG Week is about charity, not drinking. Seriously, that’s what it’s for. Lucky charity of the week: the official RAG ones. Jus-just google it.

Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – Your RAG Week will take a turn when you’re driving down College Road. You’re going to take a left turn down Donovan’s Road, because there’s no way you’re getting through all those people. Lucky charity of the week: Irish Road Victims Association.

Leo (July 22nd – Aug 21st) – Your RAG Week will take a turn when you realise that it’s currently RAG week. Yes doofus, you forgot again. Lucky charity of the week: Alzheimer Society of Ireland.

Virgo (Aug 22nd – Sept 22nd) – Your RAG Week will take a turn when you finally decide to go out to the New Bar Thursday evening and-ah fuck, Pat Fitz? Again? Lucky charity of the week: Irish Deaf Society.

Libra (Sept 23rd – Oct 22nd) – Your RAG Week will take a turn when you’ll get a text from that girl in your sociology tutorial. That’s right, dipshit, classes and things still go on during RAG. Lucky charity of the week: SUAS.

Scorpio (Oct 23rd – Nov 21st) – Your RAG Week will take a turn when, on night four of a four-day bender, you realise you don’t like going out at all. Good books are your new thing, hombre. Lucky charity of the week: National Adult Literacy Agency.

Sagittarius (Nov 22nd – Dec 21st) – Your RAG Week will take a turn when that jacket you’ve had your eye on is 90% off. G’wan. Lucky charity of the week: Irish Cancer Society (they have a charity shop, don’t read into this)

Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 20th) – Your RAG Week will take a turn when you ask that cutie in your life out on a date, and they say yes! Go for it. Lucky charity of the week: the CSPCA. Look at cuties with your cutie.

Aquarius (Jan 21st – Feb 19th) – Your RAG Week will take a turn when you settle in to watch the Olympics, and discover how fucking badass the Winter Olympics are. Lucky charity of the week: Sport Against Racism Ireland

Pisces (Feb 20th – Mar 20th) – Your RAG Week will take a turn when some gowls set your bin on fire. Time to ring up Prendeville to pretend you’re an 80 year-old resident. Lucky charity of the week: ALONE.

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Mystic Greg

Mystic Greg is a 420 year old spider demon from modern-day Hólmavík, Iceland. He exclusively wears necropants from Topman. No one truly knows where Mystic Greg goes in the evening, but it's certainly not Havanas. Some say that if you get lost in the ORB and rub a silver coin on your genitals, Mystic Greg will appear to call you a gowl and show you the way out (you weren't going to that lecture anyway). Editorial Note: We have never seen Mystic Greg in person, we only receive their articles by carrier pigeon upon the full moon.