Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – Despite what other horoscopes will tell you, now is not a good time to learn the banjo. Just…just trust me. It’s not a good look for you (or sound for us).
Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – You will find yourself broke before the end of the week…won’t stop you going out, getting crunk and buying €50 worth of shots, somehow.
Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – You will get a 1:1 on that assignment that’s due, despite never handing it in – you thought go-karting was a better use of your time… you were right! Suck it, nerds.
Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – Your housemate will break into your room at 4am, throwing a lamp at your head. It’s your own fault for playing Christmas tunes in October.
Leo (July 22nd – Aug 21st) – Grab your space-suit, baby, you’re going to Mars! Sure, you’re being shot out of a cannon, and sure, there’s nothing in Mars to catch you…and yeah, we’re bad at aiming…okay, maybe you’re getting in the Sun.
Virgo (Aug 22nd – Sept 22nd) – You will do an outstanding deed today, increasing your karma stock so much you can do, like, three awful things without an issue. Hey, maybe telling your Leo friends we didn’t mention Varadkar this week could do it?
Libra (Sept 23rd – Oct 22nd) – You will do an outstanding deed today, increasing your karma stock so much you can do, like, three awful things without an issue. Hey, maybe telling your Virgo friends we didn’t call them virgins this week could do it?
Scorpio (Oct 23rd – Nov 21st) – Congratulations. Instead of naming the new Student Hub after a woman for once, the honour’s gone to Boole again. And it’s your fault, somehow. Thanks, Sharon.
Sagittarius (Nov 22nd – Dec 21st) – You will be the first person to get the red verified tick on Twitter, in order to recognise the legendary amounts of bad takes you’ve been pumping out of late.
Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 20th) – Hey man, fuck the haters. Well, wait, no, don’t actually fuck them. Just-…look, it’s a saying, basically they can get in the sea, you’re perf…okay, now I’m worried that you’ll fuck all of your haters, please don’t.
Aquarius (Jan 21st – Feb 19th) – You’ll be on the 205 from Kent Station when an elderly woman will get on on Washington Street. You give up your seat to them. The whole bus claps. That old woman? Albert Einstein.
Pisces (Feb 20th – Mar 20th) – Wubbalubba Dub-Dub! Don’t listen to all those Noop-Noops, loving Rick & Morty is totally a substitute for having a personality, it’s the new Harry Potter. You’re Pickle Rick! Szechuan Sauce!