Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – You will try to teach yourself the words to a Hanson song ‘As Gaeilge’ but there being no translation for ‘Mmmbop’ will be your downfall. Lucky band of the week: Nirvana.
Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – No matter how good the deals are, no matter how rare they are these days, do not go in a China shop this week. It’s not in the stars for you. Lucky word of the week: idioms.
Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – Yes, it would be gay if you had a clone and you sucked his dick. That’s not a problem, but the possible incest is. Lucky sheep of the week: Dolly.
Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – George Soros is not behind everything you don’t like in the world, and claiming it is is kinda antisemitic, dude. Lucky item of the week: that big Soros cheque I’ll now be getting in the post.
Leo (July 22nd – Aug 21st) – La lalala lalala lalala! La lalala lalala la! La lalala lalala lalala! La lalala lalala la! Lucky fact of the week: Your horoscope this week is the lyrics to the chorus of the song that won the Eurovision in 1968.
Virgo (Aug 22nd – Sept 22nd) – You’ll be running late for your lecture in the Safari Annex and forgo going to the lavatory. Gas will gather in your bowls, and you consider gambling on its fart or poop possibilities. Lucky item of the week: adult diapers.
Libra (Sept 23rd – Oct 22nd) – You arrived early for your lecture in the Safari Annex (it’s a real building), but some dick just shat all over your new bag. Lucky item of the week: wet wipes. A lot of them.
Scorpio (Oct 23rd – Nov 21st) – Your Twitter account will be suspended, but to be fair, those memes were hella racist dude. Lucky course of the week: racial sensitivity training.
Sagittarius (Nov 22nd – Dec 21st) – A Tinder date will turn out to be Academy Award winner Brendan Fraser. Go you. Lucky item of the week: a betting slip, he wins the award next year.
Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 20th) – Your da will post racist comments about Ibrahim under a Journal.ie article. Lucky document of the week: emancipation papers.
Aquarius (Jan 21st – Feb 19th) – You’ll come up with a funny joke, but the only person around will steal it, and take credit. Lucky punchline of the week: those weren’t my skis, dirtbag!
Pisces (Feb 20th – Mar 20th) – You will find success in politics. Unfortunately it’s as a DUP MP. Awks. Lucky thing of the week: flegs.