home Horoscopes Horoscopes with Mystic Greg – Issue 8

Horoscopes with Mystic Greg – Issue 8

Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – The stars’ misty glare reveals a bright future for you…wait, no, it turns out that the o-zone gets so weak that the future is bright for everyone. Bummer. Lucky cream of the week: sunscreen, and a lot of it.

Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – Frankly I’m insulted you didn’t invite me to your 30th birthday party. Doesn’t matter that you’re only 19, I’m a fucking psychic, I know you’ll forget you lil shit. Lucky present of the week: this great t-shirt of the Oscar-winning Shrek 8 that you won’t be getting now, prick.

Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – If you’re a dude, or have a beard, having a beard is not a personality. Don’t get laughing you non-beardy fucks, neither is shopping Lush. Lucky cleaning product of the week: Kalamazoo.

Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – Hey! I made a horoscope joke about cancer this week, and it wasn’t about ye! I’m so happy for you guys. Lucky item of the week: a chrome crab bell thing from Homesense.

Leo (July 22nd – Aug 21st) – Oh shit, I just accidentally made crab & cancer jokes about Cancers after bragging about not doing that, shit. Don’t worry about it, I won’t go on about Savannah-land mammals. Lucky band and fantasy book character of the week: Aslan…FUCK.

Virgo (Aug 22nd – Sept 22nd) – You’re a virgin. Lucky concept of the week: giving up.

Libra (Sept 23rd – Oct 22nd) – Don’t worry, your friends talk about reading books and being well-read and shit, but it’s all a bluff. They’re just collecting precious paper, which will be the main currency in the wasteland. Lucky book of the week: War and Peace, that’ll buy you a lot of canned food in Desertopolis (formerly Glanmire)

Scorpio (Oct 23rd – Nov 21st) – Boom boom, shake shake the room. That’s right, you’ll be getting crunk and shit in a MOTHERFUCKING BOUNCY CASTLE, BITCH! WOO! Lucky clothing item of the week: decent socks.

Sagittarius (Nov 22nd – Dec 21st) – You will get in a massive fight with your roommate. Don’t worry though, I predict you’ll win in the end, and be the one who gets to smash your other roommate’s shitty guitar. Lucky song of the week: Wonderwall, if he can figure out the chords.

Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 20th) – You need to chill, dude, f’real, give yourself a break. Or the universe will find a way to break you…and if the shades are reading this, that was not an active threat. Lucky concepts of the week: self respect, and giving yourself a chance.

Aquarius (Jan 21st – Feb 19th) – You will panic about sending that lad you pulled in Chambers a text back. I mean, which emoji is the right one? Let me let you in on something, missey: lads don’t care about emojis. It’s all about proper prose and grammar, ya’ll. Lucky emoji of the week: that sassy squid, I love that guy!

Pisces (Feb 20th – Mar 20th) – It’s time to live your childhood dreams, be that to fight the Sun (g’wan lion biy) or live out your horse-obsessed destiny…unless you dreamt of killing things, as a child. The fuck is wrong with you. Lucky dream of the week: a dream that doesn’t involve murder, you monster.

 

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Mystic Greg

Mystic Greg is a 420 year old spider demon from modern-day Hólmavík, Iceland. He exclusively wears necropants from Topman. No one truly knows where Mystic Greg goes in the evening, but it's certainly not Havanas. Some say that if you get lost in the ORB and rub a silver coin on your genitals, Mystic Greg will appear to call you a gowl and show you the way out (you weren't going to that lecture anyway). Editorial Note: We have never seen Mystic Greg in person, we only receive their articles by carrier pigeon upon the full moon.