Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – The stars’ misty glare reveals a bright future for you…wait, no, it turns out that the o-zone gets so weak that the future is bright for everyone. Bummer. Lucky cream of the week: sunscreen, and a lot of it.
Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – Frankly I’m insulted you didn’t invite me to your 30th birthday party. Doesn’t matter that you’re only 19, I’m a fucking psychic, I know you’ll forget you lil shit. Lucky present of the week: this great t-shirt of the Oscar-winning Shrek 8 that you won’t be getting now, prick.
Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – If you’re a dude, or have a beard, having a beard is not a personality. Don’t get laughing you non-beardy fucks, neither is shopping Lush. Lucky cleaning product of the week: Kalamazoo.
Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – Hey! I made a horoscope joke about cancer this week, and it wasn’t about ye! I’m so happy for you guys. Lucky item of the week: a chrome crab bell thing from Homesense.
Leo (July 22nd – Aug 21st) – Oh shit, I just accidentally made crab & cancer jokes about Cancers after bragging about not doing that, shit. Don’t worry about it, I won’t go on about Savannah-land mammals. Lucky band and fantasy book character of the week: Aslan…FUCK.
Virgo (Aug 22nd – Sept 22nd) – You’re a virgin. Lucky concept of the week: giving up.
Libra (Sept 23rd – Oct 22nd) – Don’t worry, your friends talk about reading books and being well-read and shit, but it’s all a bluff. They’re just collecting precious paper, which will be the main currency in the wasteland. Lucky book of the week: War and Peace, that’ll buy you a lot of canned food in Desertopolis (formerly Glanmire)
Scorpio (Oct 23rd – Nov 21st) – Boom boom, shake shake the room. That’s right, you’ll be getting crunk and shit in a MOTHERFUCKING BOUNCY CASTLE, BITCH! WOO! Lucky clothing item of the week: decent socks.
Sagittarius (Nov 22nd – Dec 21st) – You will get in a massive fight with your roommate. Don’t worry though, I predict you’ll win in the end, and be the one who gets to smash your other roommate’s shitty guitar. Lucky song of the week: Wonderwall, if he can figure out the chords.
Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 20th) – You need to chill, dude, f’real, give yourself a break. Or the universe will find a way to break you…and if the shades are reading this, that was not an active threat. Lucky concepts of the week: self respect, and giving yourself a chance.
Aquarius (Jan 21st – Feb 19th) – You will panic about sending that lad you pulled in Chambers a text back. I mean, which emoji is the right one? Let me let you in on something, missey: lads don’t care about emojis. It’s all about proper prose and grammar, ya’ll. Lucky emoji of the week: that sassy squid, I love that guy!
Pisces (Feb 20th – Mar 20th) – It’s time to live your childhood dreams, be that to fight the Sun (g’wan lion biy) or live out your horse-obsessed destiny…unless you dreamt of killing things, as a child. The fuck is wrong with you. Lucky dream of the week: a dream that doesn’t involve murder, you monster.
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