home Horoscopes Horoscopes with Mystic Greg – Issue 7

Horoscopes with Mystic Greg – Issue 7

Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – I’m really sorry, I know this is tough, but it’s time to give up on [MALE CELEBRITY]. It’s getting awkward how much you stan [MALE CELEBRITY], you know what they did. Lucky gender of the week: Not men anyway, the rest have done less shitty things.

Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – While trying to invent a new slang word to impress all your friends you accidentally just create new racial slurs. Can’t take you anywhere… Lucky phrase of the week: Fetch (we can make it a thing).

Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – I’ve been reading some other astrology blogs, and apparently you’re bad news just all the time. Fuck, man. That’s rough. Lucky concept of the week: Self-love, treat yourself.

Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – What the hell is Quorn? Is it cow? Is it pineapple? Seriously, what the fuck is it? Lucky food of the week: Quorn chicken burgers, they are seriously *mint*…wait, are they made from mint?!

Leo (July 22nd – Aug 21st) – You will become intensely jealous of your girlfriend’s da because his wife (your gf’s mam) is a ride. Don’t worry Janet, just wait 20 years, sorted. Lucky psychoanalyst of the week: Freud.

Virgo (Aug 22nd – Sept 22nd) – Take it easy on the gym. No matter how good the gains, a six pack isn’t worth a torn groin. Lucky workout of the week: One that involves the groinular region that gives you a six-pack.

Libra (Sept 23rd – Oct 22nd) – You haven’t seen Father Ted, The Simpsons, Friends, Seinfeld, The Wire or The Sopranos, but you have seen Baywatch Nights? HOW?!. Lucky show of the week: Baywatch Nights, f’real, that shit is crazy.

Scorpio (Oct 23rd – Nov 21st) – Your New Year’s Resolution of shifting more feens is admirable, but foolish. We don’t shift anymore, granddad, we eat ass. Lucky word of the week: Anilingus.

Sagittarius (Nov 22nd – Dec 21st) – You’re a good bean, a charming friend and a wonderful person. I hope you’re having a good day, muchacho. Lucky people of the week: your friends for knowing you.

Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 20th) – A work friend you fancy will come on to you after a late-night shift. It may be against labour laws, but get ready to pull a back-to-back shift. Lucky pub of the week: The Abbey Tavern.

Aquarius (Jan 21st – Feb 19th) – Look, it doesn’t matter how tangentially related to Michael Collins you are, people do not owe you for getting us our independence from the Brits. Lucky concept of the week: actual genealogy, you’re not related to the Big Fella you liar.

Pisces (Feb 20th – Mar 20th) – You will make a massive change in your personal life, and it’s for the better. Yes, it’s time to stop singing the n word when doing karaoke, Gobnait. Lucky wrestling organisation of the week: The NWA.


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Mystic Greg

Mystic Greg is a 420 year old spider demon from modern-day Hólmavík, Iceland. He exclusively wears necropants from Topman. No one truly knows where Mystic Greg goes in the evening, but it's certainly not Havanas. Some say that if you get lost in the ORB and rub a silver coin on your genitals, Mystic Greg will appear to call you a gowl and show you the way out (you weren't going to that lecture anyway). Editorial Note: We have never seen Mystic Greg in person, we only receive their articles by carrier pigeon upon the full moon.