Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – I’m really sorry, I know this is tough, but it’s time to give up on [MALE CELEBRITY]. It’s getting awkward how much you stan [MALE CELEBRITY], you know what they did. Lucky gender of the week: Not men anyway, the rest have done less shitty things.
Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – While trying to invent a new slang word to impress all your friends you accidentally just create new racial slurs. Can’t take you anywhere… Lucky phrase of the week: Fetch (we can make it a thing).
Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – I’ve been reading some other astrology blogs, and apparently you’re bad news just all the time. Fuck, man. That’s rough. Lucky concept of the week: Self-love, treat yourself.
Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – What the hell is Quorn? Is it cow? Is it pineapple? Seriously, what the fuck is it? Lucky food of the week: Quorn chicken burgers, they are seriously *mint*…wait, are they made from mint?!
Leo (July 22nd – Aug 21st) – You will become intensely jealous of your girlfriend’s da because his wife (your gf’s mam) is a ride. Don’t worry Janet, just wait 20 years, sorted. Lucky psychoanalyst of the week: Freud.
Virgo (Aug 22nd – Sept 22nd) – Take it easy on the gym. No matter how good the gains, a six pack isn’t worth a torn groin. Lucky workout of the week: One that involves the groinular region that gives you a six-pack.
Libra (Sept 23rd – Oct 22nd) – You haven’t seen Father Ted, The Simpsons, Friends, Seinfeld, The Wire or The Sopranos, but you have seen Baywatch Nights? HOW?!. Lucky show of the week: Baywatch Nights, f’real, that shit is crazy.
Scorpio (Oct 23rd – Nov 21st) – Your New Year’s Resolution of shifting more feens is admirable, but foolish. We don’t shift anymore, granddad, we eat ass. Lucky word of the week: Anilingus.
Sagittarius (Nov 22nd – Dec 21st) – You’re a good bean, a charming friend and a wonderful person. I hope you’re having a good day, muchacho. Lucky people of the week: your friends for knowing you.
Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 20th) – A work friend you fancy will come on to you after a late-night shift. It may be against labour laws, but get ready to pull a back-to-back shift. Lucky pub of the week: The Abbey Tavern.
Aquarius (Jan 21st – Feb 19th) – Look, it doesn’t matter how tangentially related to Michael Collins you are, people do not owe you for getting us our independence from the Brits. Lucky concept of the week: actual genealogy, you’re not related to the Big Fella you liar.
Pisces (Feb 20th – Mar 20th) – You will make a massive change in your personal life, and it’s for the better. Yes, it’s time to stop singing the n word when doing karaoke, Gobnait. Lucky wrestling organisation of the week: The NWA.