home Horoscopes Horoscopes with Mystic Greg (Issue 1)

Horoscopes with Mystic Greg (Issue 1)

Aries (Mar 21st – Apr 19th) – Welcome (back) to UCC! The stars have a lot in store for you this year, maybe, if you survive freshers week that is… lucky weird UCC legend of the week: the mummy

Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – Welcome (back) to UCC! The socially acceptable amount of times to get lost in the ORB are three by the way, I know you were wondering. Lucky wall decoration of the week: the maps, they’re on most walls dude cmon.

Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – Welcome (back) to UCC! For the love of god don’t try to ride your hot housemate, the housing crisis is too bad to risk having to leave your housing out of shame. Lucky quality of the week: self control.

Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – Welcome (back) to UCC! If you missed the freshers week puppies don’t worry, they’ll be back. Lucky action of the week: giving dogs pats, unless you’re some sort of monster.

Leo (July 22nd – Aug 21st) – Welcome (back) to UCC! Don’t worry if you can’t make friends right away, the cormorants that hang out behind the Western Gateway will always have your back. Lucky fish of the week: eels to befriend the cormorants with.

Virgo (Aug 22nd – Sept 22nd) – Welcome (back) to UCC! Rubbing the nose of the George Boole statue outside the library might give you the luck you need to actually get the ride. It’s worth a shot anyway. Lucky kinky pet name of the week: daddy algebra.

Libra (Sept 23rd – Oct 22nd) – Welcome (back) to UCC! Do try to actually go to your lectures this year, you can’t repeat the sesh, but repeating the year is a lot more expensive than a naggin of Smirnoff. Lucky building of the year: the library, DO YOUR WORK!

Scorpio (Oct 23rd – Nov 21st) – Welcome (back) to UCC! Don’t worry about that weird rash on your crotch, STI tests in the health centre are free and the STI clinic is only €20. Lucky free college swag of the week: condoms, learn from your mistakes.

Sagittarius (Nov 22nd – Dec 21st) – Welcome (back) to UCC! I wouldn’t fuck with the pregnancy crest if I were you. It never forgets. Lucky person of the week: the really judgey pharmacist on college road.

Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 20th) – Welcome (back) to UCC! Did you know there’s a nuclear reactor buried in the Kane? It’s the source of my power (and also totally safe), don’t use it to steal my gig. Lucky element of the week: Plutonium.

Aquarius (Jan 21st – Feb 19th) – Welcome (back) to UCC! Unless you’re the type of person that ‘loves how it looks like hogwarts’, in that case get t’fuck. Lucky book of the week: anything not by J. K. Rowling.

Pisces (Feb 20th – Mar 20th) – Welcome (back) to UCC! If I catch you shit talking High Kick Kev one more time I will shove a star so deep in your nostril you’ll be sneezing space dust for a month. Lucky celebrity of the week: Robert De Niro.

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Mystic Greg

Mystic Greg is a 420 year old spider demon from modern-day Hólmavík, Iceland. He exclusively wears necropants from Topman. No one truly knows where Mystic Greg goes in the evening, but it's certainly not Havanas. Some say that if you get lost in the ORB and rub a silver coin on your genitals, Mystic Greg will appear to call you a gowl and show you the way out (you weren't going to that lecture anyway). Editorial Note: We have never seen Mystic Greg in person, we only receive their articles by carrier pigeon upon the full moon.