Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – You get a fresh new haircut this week that really matches your star sign. Is that a good thing? Consider the collective term for people of your sign and get back to me on that
Lucky winter accessory of the week: A hat to hide your fresh new ‘do
Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – It’s apt that your star sign is a bull, because that’s what all your hastily typed last-minute assignments are going to consist of. Who needs an honours degree and a good night’s sleep anyway, amirite?
Lucky computer programme of the week: Spellcheck; don’t embarrass yourself
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th) – The days may be getting freezing and dark, but they have nothing on your cold, dead heart. Merry Bitchmas.
Lucky food of the week: 80% cocoa chocolate to match your bitter personality
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd) – How could you hurt Michael Bublé like that?? How dare you??
Lucky item of the week: A business card to disassociate yourself from the disease that shares your namesake
Leo (July 23rd – Aug. 22nd) – Dude, stop getting involved in things, you need to chill (unless you’re getting involved in trying to set up a NapSoc, that sounds pretty sweet)
Lucky furniture item of the week: A bed
Virgo (Aug. 23rd – Sept. 22nd) – Virgo? More like Virg-ho, or at least that’s what you want people to think. The stars still know the truth though… they always do
Lucky detective accessory of the week: A magnifying glass to see how long those condoms have left before they expire
Libra (Sept. 23rd – Oct. 22nd) – Okay buttface, we get it: you graduated. Now throw me that crowbar so I can start prying your head out of your rectum
Lucky pharmaceutical product of the week: Medical-grade lubricant
Scorpio (Oct. 23rd – Nov. 21st) – Happy heckin birthday my dude, or extraction day if you were born via c-section
Lucky sexual act of the week: A cheeky birthday beej
Sagittarius (Nov. 22nd – Dec. 21st) – Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because we fucking survived election season…though for how long only the stars know.
Lucky Tesco product of the week: A fuck-off big box of tissues
Capricorn (Dec. 22nd – Jan. 19th) – Remember to read the description of things properly when shopping online: your butthole will thank you for it
Lucky item of the week – A cushion for your sore butt
Aquarius (Jan. 20th – Feb. 18th) – No matter how much you try and deny it, Cork will always be far superior to Kerry. Sorry man.
Lucky River of the week: The river of tears you cry as you finally realise Cork superiority.
Pisces (Feb. 19th – Mar. 20th) – From now on you are officially BANNED from contributing to political discussions. No ifs, no buts, BANNED
Lucky book of the week: Dummies Guide to Socialism