Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – You’ve gotta stop shifting all around you on nights out, dude. The cold sore virus can be carried by anyone
Your song of the week: Enola Gay – OMD
Lucky number: √π
Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – Someone you’re close to will come out unexpectedly as a Trump supporter this week. I’m so sorry
Your song of the week: Another Brick in the Wall – Pink Floyd
Lucky colour: Tangerine
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th) – You accidentally walk up the wrong side of the Boole Basement stairs this week and a stressed final year punches you. To be fair, you should’ve known better
Your song of the week: Go Your Own Way – Fleetwood Mac
Lucky aquatic fowl: duck.
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd) – This is the month where you realise that shuffling side-to-side as your primary mode of transportation probably isn’t the most efficient way to get around, despite what your astrological symbol would say. Also, happy Pink October to the same-name disease we love to hate.
Your film of the week: Mean Girls
Lucky fruit: Bananas, a great source of potassium
Leo (July 23rd – Aug. 22nd) – You gotta save the bees, man, c’mon, the future of garlic bread depends on it. GARLIC BREAD, DUDE. G a r l i c B r e a d. B e e s. Hop to it.
Your song of the week: Here Comes The Sun – The Beatles
Lucky side-dish from Four Star: Spicy wedges
Virgo (Aug. 23rd – Sept. 22nd) – Did you know about the mummy that the college has? It definitely knows about you. You know that moment when you’re in the queue for food in the Student Centre, and you get a chill up your spine? That has nothing to do with the mummy, you should just probably eat somewhere else.
Your film of the week: The Scorpion King
Lucky Universal movie monster: Wolf Man
Libra (Sept. 23rd – Oct. 22nd) – If you stand in the exact centre of the amphitheatre and yell ‘here comes dat boi’ rumour has it that the wind will whisper ‘oh shit whaddup’ in your ear
Your song of the week: Crazy Frog – remember that shit?
Lucky meme of the week: people voting for Jill Stein.
Scorpio (Oct. 23rd – Nov. 21st) – Y’know what’s the dankest meme? Believing in yourself
Your song of the week: Gold – Spandau Ballet
Lucky name of the week: Hank
Sagittarius (Nov. 22nd – Dec. 21st) – Everyone will think you and your best friend are dating this week. You should definitely shift them to add to the rumour
Your song of the week: Afternoon Delight – Starland Vocal Band
Lucky item of the week: A condom, apparently. Go you.
Capricorn (Dec. 22nd – Jan. 19th) – You should definitely continue watching vine compilations instead of doing all the shit you have to do. That’ll get you a 2.1 for sure
Your song of the week: The Lion Sleeps Tonight – The Tokens
Lucky subreddit of the week: r/cringepics, for some variety when you run out of furry-cringe vines.
Aquarius (Jan. 20th – Feb. 18th) – If you were a fruit (yeah, a fruit, I said it) you’d be a cute-cumber.
Your pet of the week: Cats, though they may be afraid of you for some reason.
Lucky vegetable of the week: an apple
Pisces (Feb. 19th – Mar. 20th) – For a water sign, you sure are some dry shite.
Your film of the week: Waterworld (Kevin Costner), not because of your sign, but because you too are a disaster waiting to happen.
Lucky accessory of the week: A poncho, because ponchos rock, bro.