Aries (Mar. 21st – April 19th): The collective term for people of your sign is ‘Arian’. Say that out loud. Yeah… don’t organise a brotherhood for people of your sign and you should be fine.
Taurus (April 20th – May 20th): You enter the ORB looking for ORB 1.89. You cannot find it. You take a left, then a right, then another left, just like they told you. There is nothing. You turn to leave but cannot find your way out. Everything smells like starbucks and nothing makes sense. You’ll never find the Goblin King now.
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th): You seem like the type of person who unironically likes the song ‘Wagon Wheel’ by Nathan Carter. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd): You think no one saw you step on the crest, but I did. Mystic Greg sees all. Enjoy the sesh while you still can. You can’t have lovely cans when you’re pregnant.
Leo (July 23rd – Aug. 22nd): If a billion Leos and the sun have a fight, who would win? Well done Leos, a winner is you. That’s a lot of Leos.
Virgo (Aug. 23rd – Sept. 22nd): Your sign literally means ‘the virgin’. The stars are calling you a nerd. How does that make you feel?
Libra (Sept. 23rd – Oct. 22nd): Bernie lost bro, get over it. Also you share your star sign with Éamon DeValera. Yikes.
Scorpio (Oct. 23rd – Nov. 21st): Feeling sad, frustrated, stressed, angry? Just remember that all the doggos and puppers of the world believe in you.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22nd – Dec. 21st) – Sagittarius? More like ‘Sad-gittarius’, amirite ladies, amirite? Seriously though, your birth stone is a petrol station, that’s kinda sad bro.
Capricorn (Dec. 22nd – Jan. 19th) – Do people ever try to squish your birthday and Christmas together because of how close they are? How many Capricorns must suffer at the hands of Birthmas before this cruelty is stopped?
Aquarius (Jan. 20th – Feb. 18th) – Wasps are going to be inexplicably drawn to you this week. May gosh have mercy on your soul.
Pisces (Feb. 19th – Mar. 20th) – You tell a pun so bad this week that someone actually slaps you. Was it really worth it? (Heck yeah it was, sick pun bro *high 5*)