Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – Alright, we get it, you ironically love shit chicken: no matter how many times you call it “cheeky” it won’t wash away the sins
Lucky sauce of the week: Anything but Peri Peri
Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – Dude, give up the hentai. This is a safe space
Lucky anime of the week: Cory in the House
Gemini (May 21st – June 20th) – As the friend-zone closes in, suffocating you, you fear the worst…until you realise it’s not a real thing. Time to move on, dude.
Lucky spoon: m’ladle.
Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd) – A puppy will befriend you today. And tomorrow. And every day. This is your life now, for you are a friend to all puppers.
Lucky: A good name for one of your new pupper friends.
Leo (July 23rd – Aug. 22nd) – You can tug on your beard, puff on your pipe or sip from your vintage hip-flask all you want, people will still spell your name with a ‘Z’.
Lucky item of clothing: overly tight pants.
Virgo (Aug. 23rd – Sept. 22nd) – You will defeat the evil government by spray painting three letters on a wall & smoking rollies. Congratulations comrade.
Lucky Method of dismantling the bourgeoisie elite: Amber Leaf.
Libra (Sept. 23rd – Oct. 22nd) – You will display an emotion to the people around you, revealing that you are not, in fact, a sociopath (you’re just a dickhead)
Lucky aquatic animal: crabs.
Scorpio (Oct. 23rd – Nov. 21st) – Don’t worry, your phone charger should dry out after dropping it down the jacks. As long as you didn’t go before flushing
Lucky birthday present: that new phone you probably got because of the charger thing.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22nd – Dec. 21st) – LADS LADS LADS LADS LADS LADS LADS LADS LADS
Lucky book: A manual on how to deal with your partner’s hentai addiction.
Capricorn (Dec. 22nd – Jan. 19th) – You’re cute.
Lucky oddly specific item of clothing: a shark onesie.
Aquarius (Jan. 20th – Feb. 18th) – A passerby this week will be your one true love. Sadly they were on a bike, and you were too busy eating a kebab to notice.
Lucky lifelong companion: a veritable herd of cats.
Pisces (Feb. 19th – Mar. 20th) – Beware of butlers, open sewers and any other obvious traps: there is something fishy about, and it’s not just your star sign
Lucky item: A phoenix down and a bag of senzu beans.