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Horoscopes with Medium Phil (Pancake Tuesday)

It’s Ash Wednesday, but I wrote these ‘Pancake Tuesday’ so pretend it’s Tuesday and gather ‘round children and stuff yer gobs with these juicy ‘scopes (it’s what we call horoscopes now, it’s shorter, it saves time, you’ll love it).

Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – I gaze deeply into the stars, and they tell me that you will come into a large sum of money. My money. Give it back.

Pancake topping: Your own tears, if I don’t get my money.

Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – I gaze deeply into the stars, and they tell me that you haven’t called your mam in a while. I was talking to her late last night, and she’s very upset.

Pancake topping: Whipped cream, though you’ll have to buy more, your mam and I ran out last night.

Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – I gaze deeply into the stars, and they tell me that you’re running for the Students’ Union. You poor bastard.

Pancake topping: The shredded pieces of paper from all those failed manifesto drafts.

Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – I gaze deeply into the stars, and they tell me that you still haven’t told that girl you’re the one who gave her crabs.

Pancake topping: Lemon juice…to go with the crabs. Come on, man.

Leo (July 22nd – Aug. 21st) – I gaze deeply into the stars, and they tell me that you believe, correctly, that lions would beat the sun in a fight. Well done.

Pancake topping: Brown envelope full of cash.

Virgo (Aug. 22nd – Sept. 22nd) – I gaze deeply into the stars, and they tell me that you lost your virginity during RAG Week. Get in there, my son!

Pancake topping: A banana and whipped cream

Libra (Sept. 23rd – Oct. 22nd) – I gaze deeply into the stars, and they tell me that you still haven’t seen Citizen Kane, but pretend like you have to be cool. For shame

Pancake topping: Rose petals.

Scorpio (Oct. 23rd – Nov. 21st) – I gaze deeply into the stars, and they tell me that you voted Fine Gael in the Generals last time, and want to vote Fianna Fáil this time.

Pancake topping: Nothing, you generic bastard.

Sagittarius – (Nov. 22nd – Dec. 21st) – I gaze deeply into the stars, and they tell me that you’ve only just told your parents that you’re actually going to CIT, not UCC.

Pancake topping: Disappointment.

Capricorn – (Dec. 22nd – Jan. 20th) – I gaze deeply into the stars, and they tell me that you’re a vegan. Which I knew because, of course, you told me.

Pancake topping: Dairy-free, ethically sourced chocolate sauce.

Aquarius – (Jan. 21st – Feb. 19th) – I gaze deeply into the stars, and they tell me that you read TheLiberal.ie. Might as well read The Sun while you’re at it, dickhead

Pancake topping: Unethical journalism practices.

Pisces – (Feb. 20th – Mar. 20th) – I gaze deeply into the stars, and they tell me that you’re really quite sick of me making fish jokes at you, because of your sign.

Pancake topping: Anchovies, because fuck you.

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Mystic Greg

Mystic Greg is a 420 year old spider demon from modern-day Hólmavík, Iceland. He exclusively wears necropants from Topman. No one truly knows where Mystic Greg goes in the evening, but it's certainly not Havanas. Some say that if you get lost in the ORB and rub a silver coin on your genitals, Mystic Greg will appear to call you a gowl and show you the way out (you weren't going to that lecture anyway). Editorial Note: We have never seen Mystic Greg in person, we only receive their articles by carrier pigeon upon the full moon.