home Horoscopes Horoscopes with Medium Phil – 28th of March

Horoscopes with Medium Phil – 28th of March

Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are… giant floppy dicks in your near future.

Lucky cocktail of items: Lube and viagra.

 

Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – You cross my palms with silver, and I see that there are… many leeches in your future.

Lucky defensive action: The stars weren’t clear if these were literal or metaphorical leeches, so get ready to fight off different types of blood-sucking parasites, human or otherwise.

 

Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – You cross my palms with silver, and I see that there are…massive piles of debt in your future.

Lucky appointment: Your next appointment with Medium Phil. Keep giving me money, I’ll eventually see fortune for you…eventually.

 

Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are… many starbars in your near future

Lucky action: Not biting your tongue, dickhead.

 

Leo (July 22nd – Aug. 21st) – You cross my palms with plastic (VISA & Mastercard only), and I see that there are…dark nights ahead of you. Shouldn’t have picked a fight with the sun then, lion boy.

Lucky fact: Lions would totally beat the sun in a fight, fuck you.

 

Virgo (Aug. 22nd – Sept. 22nd) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are… many, many STIs in your future. Jesus, I guess we shouldn’t have made all those ‘Virgo=virgin’ jokes, huh?

Lucky item: A condom. Hahaha, no, it’s too late for that. Maybe chug some penicillin, see how you get on.

 

Libra (Sept. 23rd – Oct. 22nd) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…positive results on your next test! Sadly it’s an STI test. Enjoy the chlamydia!

Lucky action: Washing my hands, and the silver. I know where you’ve been!

 

Scorpio (Oct. 23rd – Nov. 21st) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…much deserved awards and praise in your future!…well, for some of you.

Unlucky animal noise: Quack.

 

Sagittarius – (Nov. 22nd – Dec. 21st) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…cats in your future. Sorry

Lucky fact: They’re kittens, so they’re not fully evil furballs…yet.

 

Capricorn – (Dec. 22nd – Jan. 20th) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…shlaps in your future. C’mere and I thwap you.

Lucky action: Remembering to do your freakin section GREG!…you dumpling.

 

Aquarius – (Jan. 21st – Feb. 19th) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…twinks, bears and power-bottoms in your future. Wahey!

Lucky: you.

 

Pisces – (Feb. 20th – Mar. 20th) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…nothing…wait, what the fuck?

Lucky … thing: Wait shit, why couldn’t I see anything? Maybe you didn’t pay me enough…yeah…that’s it…

 

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Mystic Greg

Mystic Greg is a 420 year old spider demon from modern-day Hólmavík, Iceland. He exclusively wears necropants from Topman. No one truly knows where Mystic Greg goes in the evening, but it's certainly not Havanas. Some say that if you get lost in the ORB and rub a silver coin on your genitals, Mystic Greg will appear to call you a gowl and show you the way out (you weren't going to that lecture anyway). Editorial Note: We have never seen Mystic Greg in person, we only receive their articles by carrier pigeon upon the full moon.