Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are… giant floppy dicks in your near future.
Lucky cocktail of items: Lube and viagra.
Taurus (Apr. 20th – May 20th) – You cross my palms with silver, and I see that there are… many leeches in your future.
Lucky defensive action: The stars weren’t clear if these were literal or metaphorical leeches, so get ready to fight off different types of blood-sucking parasites, human or otherwise.
Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – You cross my palms with silver, and I see that there are…massive piles of debt in your future.
Lucky appointment: Your next appointment with Medium Phil. Keep giving me money, I’ll eventually see fortune for you…eventually.
Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are… many starbars in your near future
Lucky action: Not biting your tongue, dickhead.
Leo (July 22nd – Aug. 21st) – You cross my palms with plastic (VISA & Mastercard only), and I see that there are…dark nights ahead of you. Shouldn’t have picked a fight with the sun then, lion boy.
Lucky fact: Lions would totally beat the sun in a fight, fuck you.
Virgo (Aug. 22nd – Sept. 22nd) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are… many, many STIs in your future. Jesus, I guess we shouldn’t have made all those ‘Virgo=virgin’ jokes, huh?
Lucky item: A condom. Hahaha, no, it’s too late for that. Maybe chug some penicillin, see how you get on.
Libra (Sept. 23rd – Oct. 22nd) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…positive results on your next test! Sadly it’s an STI test. Enjoy the chlamydia!
Lucky action: Washing my hands, and the silver. I know where you’ve been!
Scorpio (Oct. 23rd – Nov. 21st) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…much deserved awards and praise in your future!…well, for some of you.
Unlucky animal noise: Quack.
Sagittarius – (Nov. 22nd – Dec. 21st) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…cats in your future. Sorry
Lucky fact: They’re kittens, so they’re not fully evil furballs…yet.
Capricorn – (Dec. 22nd – Jan. 20th) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…shlaps in your future. C’mere and I thwap you.
Lucky action: Remembering to do your freakin section GREG!…you dumpling.
Aquarius – (Jan. 21st – Feb. 19th) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…twinks, bears and power-bottoms in your future. Wahey!
Lucky: you.
Pisces – (Feb. 20th – Mar. 20th) – You cross my palm with silver, and I see that there are…nothing…wait, what the fuck?
Lucky … thing: Wait shit, why couldn’t I see anything? Maybe you didn’t pay me enough…yeah…that’s it…