Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – As Mercury is in retrograde, some bad shit is about to go down. Your sports team will lose, the sky will turn a nuclear shade of green and you’ll stub your pinky. Bummer.
Lucky item of the week: Don’t bother mate, you’re already fucked, just try survive the week.
Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – As Mercury is in retrograde, some unfortunate shit is about to go down. Stay away from anybody called Olaf.
Lucky abbreviation of the week: VFD.
Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – As Mercury is in retrograde, some mediocre shit is about to go down. I’m talking finding a penny outside the Main, getting 69% on that exam instead of the usual 68% – some good but *not great* stuff.
Lucky purchase of the week: A lotto ticket. You’re not getting the jackpot, but you’ll probably win a tenner.
Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – As Mercury is in retrograde, some generic shit is about to go down. You will have a week. Things may happen. Yes.
Wrestler of the week: Sami Zayn.
Leo (July 22nd – Aug. 21st) – As Mercury is in retrograde, some saucy shit is about to go down. Get that Tinder swiping, buy some condoms or some dental dams because you, you lucky sod, will get laid.
Lucky item of the week: An ice pack. You know why.
Virgo (Aug. 22nd – Sept. 22nd) – As Mercury is in retrograde, some planetary shit is about to go down. Like shit, Mercury may slam into Uranus (don’t laugh)
Lucky celestial dwarf of the week: Pluto *sad emoji*.
Libra (Sept. 23rd – Oct. 22nd) – As Mercury is in retrograde, some ‘conservative Ireland’ shit is about to go down. Blame Dev, I guess.
Lucky document of the week: The Anglo-Irish Treaty. Suck it, Eamon.
Scorpio (Oct. 23rd – Nov. 21st) – As Mercury is in retrograde, some good shit is about to go down. That’s what I’m talking about right there right there. mMMMMᎷМ
Lucky pasta of the week: copy.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22nd – Dec. 21st) – As Mercury is in retrograde, some audio-visual shit is about to go down. Child, go forth and watch a show that isn’t RuPaul
Lucky service of the week: Netflix.
Capricorn (Dec. 22nd – Jan. 20th) – As Mercury is in retrograde, some murderous shit is about to go down. Best to stay out of the CPT.
Lucky clock sound of the week: Tic Toc, Toc Tic Toc Tic.
Aquarius (Jan. 21st – Feb. 19th) – As Mercury is in retrograde, some shit shit is about to go down. I’m talking poop, here. Bring spare underwear on that date, trust me.
Lucky clothing item of the week: That spare underwear. Trust me, dude.
Pisces (Feb. 20th – Mar. 20th) – As Mercury is in retrograde, some fishy shit is about to go down. Be on the lookout for all things suspicious, especially bad puns.
Lucky items of the week: Binoculars, a trench coat and a nice hat.
I must leave you all know, beautiful people of UCC, as Mercury is in retrograde, and you know what that does to my colon. That hack Mystic Greg should be back next issue to coddle you with puppies and stale memes.