Aries (Mar. 21st – Apr. 19th) – I know the stars make a lot of fascism based jokes at the expense of your sign, but they’re now desperately imploring you to ignore all that and embrace Full Communism.
Lucky website of the week: The WikiHow article on how to become a Communist.
Taurus (Apr 20th – May 20th) – We get it dude, you play gaelic football, good for you – but it’s 3° out. Put on some fucking full length pants for christs sake. Having frostbitten testicles is certainly not ‘banter’.
Lucky shit present of the week: A gift voucher for somewhere that sells actual trousers.
Gemini (May 21st – June 21st) – The good news is that a gemini is due to become the next president. The bad news is that you share your sign with Donald Trump. Maybe he’ll take that into account and spare you when he instigates the apocalypse.
Lucky beauty product of the week: Some fake tan to match our new tangerine overlord.
Cancer (June 22nd – July 21st) – The stars really want you to adopt seven small puppers. Don’t question it. Just do it. It’s for the greater good of the universe, I swear.
Lucky overpriced subscription box: That one specifically for dogs that costs €30 a pop, but seven of them.
Leo (July 22nd – Aug. 21st) – I know during this stressful time you may feel tempted to have a cathartic wank in the library bathrooms, but just know that the universe knows what you’re up to. The universe is always watching…
Lucky discount sex toy of the week: A case of 30 vibrators for £30 (+p&p) from poundland.
Virgo (Aug. 22nd – Sept. 22nd) – Do you ever think about that guy who slipped on ice live on RTÉ six years ago? You must find him, for he is your true soulmate. Godspeed my virgo friend, godspeed.
Lucky seasoning of the week: Salt.
Libra (Sept. 23rd – Oct. 22nd) – Heard you were talking shit about the musings of the stars. Watch your back mate, Jupiter’s got a mean right hook.
Lucky concept of the week: An umbrella to provide some extra shade.
Scorpio (Oct. 23rd – Nov. 21st) – I know the cold darkness of assignment and exam month can seem like an awful mountain to climb, but in times of stress just remember this: The Kane won an architecture award once. Anything is possible.
Lucky architectural feature of the week: multiple sets of bathrooms.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22nd – Dec. 21st) – This stars are seeing a heaping helping of birthmas in your future. I, for one blame consumerism for this abomination. Oh those cheeky capitalist biys and their commercialisation of a religious festival.
Lucky recyclable of the week: occasion-inappropriate wrapping paper.
Capricorn (Dec. 22nd – Jan. 20th) – Between your birthday and Christmas this winter break is going to be an amazing time for you. Unless you work in retail or hospitality sector. In that case the stars predict hell.
Lucky legal entitlement of the week: Your 15 minute paid break.
Aquarius (Jan. 21st – Feb. 19th) – No, printed out memes are not an acceptable secret santa gift, even if you max out the budget on printing. Why would you even think that?
Lucky gift idea of the week: Literally anything else.
Pisces (Feb. 20th – Mar. 20th) – Sometimes you just need to go into the middle of the forest and scream. It’s okay man, we get it. Do your thing.
Lucky sweet of the week: Some soothers or lozenges to heal your post-screech throat.