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home Byline, Humour Horoscopes brought to you by Sirius Speculation

Horoscopes brought to you by Sirius Speculation

By Express Staff   Posted in Byline Humour
Posted on February 25, 2019February 22, 2019

Aries: You’ll be getting rammed someday this week; make sure the left-over take-away burrito is off the bed.

Taurus: You’ll have the best shit of your life on Thursday. Pity it’ll be coming out the wrong end while you’re having dinner with your supervisor.

Gemini: Christ.

Cancer: Your friends are leaving you this week, solely due to the fact that you were caught associating with gremlins from CIT.

Leo: Rimjobs in the forest near the Lee again, I’d say. Make sure the candles forming the pentagram are actually lit this time.

Virgo: Your virginity is growing back … finally. These few hours of chastity are when life will come together again.

Libra: Don’t cross the road near Castlewhite for the remainder of the academic year.

Scorpio: Yes! He finally will spit in your mouth.

Capricorn: Your sign is not a goat for no reason. This week only you’ll be perceived as The GOAT. You will progress up the social ladder, eventually becoming an influencer. Next week is another story.

Aquarius: You sneezed on the beat and the beat got sicker – your rag week is extended by one month.

Pisces: In absolute pieces, I’d say. Your indirects on Twitter begging for someone to come over and hug you while they feed you ice-cream will finally come through. Not going to fix you, though.

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