For anyone who has ever considered cutting out a felt moustache and pasting it across your forehead, or perhaps stapling a paper reproduction to your upper lip, please reconsider your intentions. The quiet creep of the moustache trend into the realm of insignificance was mildly acceptable, that is until intricate little handlebars began to appear on the likes of otherwise perfectly manicured nails. People do so, wait for it, with nail pens specifically tailored to creating miniature bundles of facial hair on your fingertips; as in, these pens are advertised specifically for this purpose.
One can overlook tendencies such as the superimposition of newspaper articles onto your cuticles; even the new ‘let’s paint delicate leopard prints across our faces in anticipation of a great night out’ fad but the moustache ‘thing’, and it can only be referred to as a ‘thing’, must be halted.
Taches, to which they are so fondly referred, have been deemed edible, wearable, stampable, tattooable and all the other ‘ables’ that wouldn’t even bear mentioning. Type in ‘How to..’ into Google’s search engine and you get suggestions like ‘make a moustache stamp out of an eraser’. Tattooing them onto the inside of your index finger in order to appear witty and interesting is one thing; but having giant depictions of facial hair adorning your lower stomach, back or any other major body part for that matter is so far out of the realm of the ok that we can’t even pick it up on our moustache shaped radars.
Our favourite retail therapy haunts now offer moustache jewellery, moustache clutches, moustache print clothing and even packs of synthetic moustaches and moustache shaped plasters. We seem to forget that the moustache is, in fact, an entirely unattractive entity in reality. They attract the likes of milk and soup quite readily, and of course there’s the trademark sticky Guinness foam moustache that is usually sported by older gents. Why do good sane people then find them irresistible as items of bodily adornment?
Now they’re not all bad. Movember, formerly known as the month of November, is a great way to raise money and awareness, and is spread over the whole month. Now this kind of celebration of the moustache is brilliant and, actually fun. Sporting taches of any kind in support of this cause cannot be condemned. Men growing their facial hair in exchange for sponsorship should be applauded and supported and, by all means, go crazy, treat yourself to a moustache mug or a tache shaped cookie cutter. Often you’ll find some of the proceeds will go to Movember’s cause during the month. But maybe ask yourself, outside of a cute set of moustache straws, do I really want to start collecting moustache memorabilia.