A girl who actively “attaches” herself to members of the local G.A.A. team. Infamous for sporting so much fake tan she looks like the love child of Snookie and X Factor’s Rylan. Has achieved all life ambitions if she beds a Senior Inter-County player.
“You hear about Sophie and the captain down at the Club Bingo the last night? What a jersey puller!”
In Shakespeare’s King Lear, the tormented protagonist spends days upon the Heath where he runs about naked, howling at the skies and cursing his life. However, amidst the madness, he has a lucid moment where he finally sees the world for what it is. During the bedlam of last year’s Cork County Championship celebrations, I too was overcome with this Shakespearean-like clarity. While admittedly fully clad, I like Lear looked around and saw my surroundings like I never had before.
What I saw was “Jersey Pullers” everywhere. Every morning for the next week following UCC’s victory, young girls skimpily dressed (not too dissimilar from Lear), teemed out of houses all along College Road. The image of one particular girl doing the walk of shame is imprinted on my mind. I can’t decide however what was more embarrassing for her, the fact that she was announcing to the alumni of UCC that she’d done the dirty deed or the fact that she was wearing your man’s Roscommon G.A.A shorts. The “Jersey Pullers” were out in force. This was their Championship. Those biting cold December nights were tough but these women’s perseverance was now bearing fruit. Drinking bans were no more, so now they had UCC’s finest sporting produce at their disposal. These innocent athletes would spiral into a state of inebriation and the women would pounce. A young fella in his drunkenness would not be able to deceiver whether a woman looked like Georgia Salpa or Michael Lyster – a prospect more terrifying than Marty Morrissey’s forehead.
Rearden’s Bar on a Sunday night remains the Mecca of Jersey Pulling. This is where all the women congregate after a tough weekend of watching their men in Championship action. Failure to get in the turnstiles of Rearden’s means the girls will sometimes have to succumb to the “back door system” and bide their time in Havanas until the footballers steam through. Their victims arrive and for the second time that day the Predators™ are out. These girls have themselves dressed in clothes tighter than Paul Galvin’s pants. They latch onto any breaking ball they can get their hands on. For most of us when we think of the “Gooch” we think of the carrot topped Kerry maestro, but for these ladies it has an alternative meaning. Ironically their behaviour is more akin to a soccer player, as they are renowned for going down easy.
“But I don’t play football for UCC, how is this article of any benefit to me?”
…see that’s where you’re wrong. I like many others was not blessed with sporting talent. The record books will tell you I have four bronze Community Games Medals, but in reality only three people competed in my parish each year. When I’m after a few jars, my friends will tell you that I like to reminisce my solitary goal that I scored for Tralee Dynamos some five years back. While it was a rather sweet strike, in my sobriety I can admit it’s clutching at straws. I believe, however, that just because I don’t excel on the football field doesn’t mean I should be made an alien to a whole host of potential female suitors. Oh sure I can throw out the classic washed up rock-star card, but believe me that ship has sailed. If you reckon that you immortalise 90’s T.V. show “The Renford Rejects” with your lack of sporting ability then listen closely to my nuggets of wisdom . I now realise we must play these “Jersey Pullers” at their own game. I now understand the working of these fascinating female minds. We must lie.
Raid your home and snatch any article of O’Neill’s merchandise that you can get your hands on. O’Neills is a proven aphrodisiac, an agent which acts on the mind of the “Jersey Puller” and causes arousal and heightened sexual desire. Appeal to their senses by ensuring that the items of clothing are covered in grass stains and reek of deep heat and bodily odour. Next is the importance of acting the part. With G.A.A. stars it’s all bravado when they are out on the town. This was put best by a famous Western philosopher who is quoted as saying, “they are like a horses cock, big when they are out”.
So in the nightclub, thrust your chest forward as if you are some genetically modified pigeon. Throw some dirty looks at first years who you know you would be able to physically compete with. Tip, if you don’t possess overly large arms, try and keep them out of sight as best you can, it’s a giveaway that you don’t lord the gym. Remember “Gah” players lord the gym. If you want to really get into character bring out a pair of crutches and pass it off as a bad football injury. The beauty of this is that you will garner sympathy also. Just make sure she is aware that your ailment does not affect your sexual performance in any way. Ok, so the “Jersey Puller” is approaching, don’t panic. The key here is not to bore her, realistically she has no interest in how your local team is fairing in the County League. What she wants is the glamour. She seeks the high life of a G.A.A. W.A.G. Hit her with the inter-county material. Tell her you have just broken into the County senior team this year. Say how in the upcoming season review in the Irish Examiner Tony Leen has described you as “The Future of the G.A.A”. Pretend to receive a phone call and then laugh it off, “Ah god, it’s Shefflin on the piss again!”
At this point she is all yours. To quote T.V. icon Jimmy Saville,” it’s child’s play from here on in”. It’s a wonderful feeling when you watch the “Jersey Puller” walk down your drive way the following morning. It’s like the ecstasy you feel when scoring the winning point in a Munster Final…well I assume that’s how it feels. You know that you have got one up the world, a world that deprived you of any sporting prowess. I want to take a moment however to say that these women deserve some recognition. They have been the “bedrock” of the G.A.A. since 1884, sticking with their men through thick and thin. In fairness there is many a ginger corner back that would never have lost his virginity or left the family home had it not been for “Jersey Pullers”. A wise old man once told me that the only time a man can be described as “Cat” and still get women is if he is a Kilkenny Hurler. What a wise old man he was.