The atmosphere is tense tonight in apartment 63 of Castlewhite after what should have been a standard Thursday night out turned into a nightmare from which no one could escape.
Sean Eagen and Robert O’Conner had been best friends since birth, and even before birth, that’s how fucking tight these lads are. Sat beside each other in primary school. Wing-manned each other at youth club discos. These boys are tighter than their fades, but now they can barely look each other in the eye.
The friends headed out on that fateful Thursday at approximately nine o’clock. Hair permed to perfection, Eleven Degrees t-shirts expertly shrunk to show off their totally buff bods. They were ready, or so they thought…known for their discerning taste in suitors, they searched the clubs of Cork for any girl with a pulse willing to touch them. They found one. Described by Eagen as, “Well fit” and “Totally not imaginary” by O’Connor, the girl has yet to been identified.
The group of three retired to Castlewhite after inhaling as much takeaway as their student grants would allow, and fuelled by the aphrodisiac that is mysterious kebab meat, all three decided to sleep together.
Sean and Robert now sit opposite each other, sullen, unresponsive and visibly shaken from their experience. “He held my hand at one point,” Eagen cried, traumatised.
“He kept making these strange faces, like he was in pain or something,” O’Connor sighed, “And his balls kept hitting my kneecap, I think it’s dislocated.”
When I asked about the rumour of a high amount of spooning on the night in question, the boys’ only response was to burst into tears and shake uncontrollably.
The friends have now enrolled in lengthy counselling sessions to put this traumatic experience behind them. It will be a long and tough road, but I hope these boys can mend their friendship.
UPDATE: Sean and Robert are now in a loving, stable relationship, and all of their family and friends are supportive, but they said No Homo first, so it’s all good. They plan to get married early next year, but “only for a laugh, like.”