Coming to college can be a hard transition when you’re used the rigmarole of secondary school. Hell, it can be hard for people coming back to college to get right off their Summertime bullshit and back into the routine you need to succeed in university. So while you totally definitely should do things on time, we know that you won’t always have it within you to leave that ‘history of stamps and numismatics’ essay until the very last moment. “Hark!” you cry, “how shall I get this done? It’s due in before 12pm tomorrow, and blast, but all my knowledge of stamps & coins has been replaced by bad memes and a way to do the Macarena with your toes.” Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. That’s why we’re going to try & test some common methods to keep you awake so you can pump out a passable essay in the morning.
Disclaimer: Please do not try this at home. I know that seems like this goes against the point of the article, but we just really really don’t want to be sued. So don’t do these kthx.
Starting off with an obvious one, coffee is the old reliable for writers on a deadline, ‘not really morning people’ who have to always be up in the morning and indeed students who need to stay up late, so it’s a pretty safe place to start. If a Starbucks hasn’t opened in your sitting room yet, try venture out to a local, independent coffee shop. Or go to Lidl and grab a jar of the (surprisingly good) cheap instant stuff. Put some coffee in the cup, pour boiling water from your kettle into the cup or mug and then pour the contents of the mug onto your crotch. Milk or sugar optional. You should get a nice third degree burn out of this, and be able to get out of doing the assignment on medical grounds. Important note: you do need to pour coffee on your grundle, not just boiling water, as they’re much more likely to cop on to your scheme if it’s just water – coffee is more plausible. Plus you can use this genital wound as a reason why you didn’t get the ride all year, when we all know it’s because of your ‘glowing’ personality.
When we ran our tests, this method definitely kept our test subject up all night, and now he has skin from his arse grafted to his penis – a veritable dickbutt. Get in.
Okay, this may seem like a leap, but trust us. Oh, and another sub-disclaimer: we do not advise or condone you consuming illicit drugs, but if you do be aware of the risks, know that the national drugs helpline number is 1800 459 459 and make sure you know what you’re taking. The last one is especially important because no matter how much flour you snort, it’s not keeping you awake to do that essay or whatever. We advise you start slow, and pace yourself, because there’s nothing worse than coming down off a coke-high and having no more cocaine to do. The strategy here is to take the coke, but not too much coke – just enough to make sure that when you crash, you sleep for like, ten days. Who needs that essay? You do coke now! How retro?
When we grabbed our test subject back from the hospital, he was not overly looking forward to this. We promised him that he’d be able to get an erection again if he did the cocaine, and that eventually swung him around. We’re not sure if coke is supposed to do that, we’ve never done cocaine, but by fuck, he was rock hard for about a week. All the drugs and the sustained erection apparently wasn’t good for his heart, so he’s back in the hospital. Erm, maybe-maybe skip the cocaine.
Hire a hitman
When your life is threatened, you go into this primal ‘fight or flight’ mode, and the adrenaline kicks in. If you’ve ever played a sport, or been in a fight or two, you know the feeling of adrenaline coursing through your veins. It’s why you hear stories of mothers being able to lift cars to save their babies. Not sure why they’re putting cars on top of their babies, but it’s some bomb-ass shit. Now what most losers do is they join a fight club, or just hang out around the fountain on the Grand Parade at nightclub closing time. If you’re a hardcore bad-ass then what you’ll do is hire someone to kill you – because in a fight you know there’s a good chance that you’ll live, even if you lose, but hitmen don’t fuck around. Now you can always just slip some feen down your local a tenner to try smash your head in with a brick with glass glued on, but why not treat yourself to a professional?
We went to the dark web, and some goober agreed to kill our test subject for 30 “bit-coins” whatever the fuck they are. Now admittedly, you’d want to be in better fighting shape than our test boy, he’s a bit brittle at the moment, but I have faith he’ll- oh no, shit, he’s dead.
Okay, so you apparently now might owe an assassin over 100k, so you might want to get out of dodge. We would suggest the mountains, a misty bog, Mexico, or down behind the couch in your mam’s gaff. You’re so concerned about your impending doom that you haven’t slept in weeks so…so I guess this is the best one? Wait, why were you trying to stay up? Shit, I think I heard a noise. Erm, fuck, best of luck in the year ahead, and if you don’t hear from us…well… at least doing all that coke was fun, right?
Our test subject did an amazing job of hiding, in that he was dead. He died, and he was cremated, so it’s really really hard to find him now. Lucky bastard.