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Express It

Dear ExpressIt,
Recently my girlfriend of 6 months broke up with me out of the blue. I was devastated as you would expect but I thought I was handling it pretty well. That was until I discovered she is now hooking up with a close friend of mine. I don’t know who to be angrier with or who to blame. What do I do? — BackStabbed


He says: Wow! That is low to say the least. It would be bad enough if it was just some chick you were with for a few weeks, but a six month girlfriend! My god that is bad form, especially from a close friend.  I hope your friends are siding with you on this one because no person with any sense of right and wrong would condone this, and if they don’t then you better get rid of them and be more careful next time you make friends.
What I can’t get over is what an absolute bastard your friend is. Everything he has done has gone again The Bro Code. As every guy knows The Bro Code specifically states in Article 150 – A bro never dates a bros ex-girlfriend (unless granted permission). He should have asked permission before he allowed anything to happen, the reason he didn’t is because he’s a spineless creature, simple as.
I’m gonna try and waste as little time talking about your ex because she is a heartless bitch for her part in this. You should not try to get back at her or insult her, just be happy that you didn’t waste any more of your life with such a witch.
Now that you are free from such an ungodly burden you can get back out there and find the girl who will actually love you back.


She says: Count yourself lucky kid. She could have done worse and cheated on you with him while you were still together. At least she had the decency to end it with you before she acted on any feelings for your friend. I understand that you must have been upset after the break up but you need to speed up that recovery! Dude, man up and just be happy that your friend, who I can only assume cannot get a girl of his own, has found someone to ride him. You shouldn’t be upset; he has your sloppy seconds. Don’t blame him he was only thinking with his dick like most, if not all, lads. Again he didn’t do anything while you were with her so we’ll give him some credit for being a good friend!

Here’s what you’re going to do. You need a rebound to get over your relationship and what better place to find this than with one of her friends. Trust me I’m a girl and I know that this is the best way to get her back. Hook up with one of her closest friends and give her a taste of her own medicine. Don’t get mad, get even.



Dear ExpressIt,

 This Halloween was crazy in every sense of the word. I had an awesome Batman costume (always wanted one since I was a kid) and I met the most amazing girl ever. She was dressed as a Cat. We were having a brilliant time together but when I was coming back from the toilet these two guys dressed as The Joker and The Penguin tackled me to the ground while screaming ‘it’s simple, WE KILL THE BATMAN’ This led to us all being kicked out. I need to find this girl. Please help me find her. – I’mBatman



She says: I need to give you a quick reality check my young, innocent and naive friend. Was this “cat” reminiscent aVictoria secrets outfit or more along the lines of an actual feline? My guess, and I know I’m going to be right, is that she was wearing lingerie and cat ears. On Tuesday night before Halloween I walked from the library to the Student Centre and I encountered no fewer than 5 “cats”. I wish I was joking but I’m completely serious unfortunately.

Today’s college students have about as much imagination when it comes to Halloween as our parents did when they put us in bin bags and threw a mask on us. Girls simply see Halloween as an excuse to dress as inappropriate as possible and get away with it. To achieve the correct level of sluttiness the formula is simple. Lingerie + animal ears + knee high socks = Halloween costume.

You will never find this Cat you shifted. And may I be so bold as to say that you are probably better off as you probably would have caught something worse than fleas from her. Next time go for the girl in the funny costume, at least she’ll have a sense of humour and not an STD.


He says: Aww man I would be so pissed, but to be fair they did make it funny by screaming that. I do feel for you though. It’s pretty rare that you can meet somebody out clubbing that you really connect with, mainly because we are all highly intoxicated and ridiculously horny so I’m gonna give you as much help as I can. Also if you say otherwise and you actually go out thinking you are going to find your soul mate every night then you are more than likely destined to become a crazy cat lady.
This is now an official search for your mystery Cat Woman. If by any chance there is a young woman out there in our monumental audience who dressed up like a cat,  who made an extremely deep physical and spiritual connection with a dark, handsome titanic of a Batman which mysteriously disappeared on them, please get in contact with us at The Express.
If this actually works and we get you two together then I am definitely getting to choose your firstborns name. At the moment the short list consists of Kurt Angle, Ray Podonky and Diggs McCoy. Best of luck with your search my man, I seriously hope this works out for you and I am definitely going to get my Nan to light a candle for you in the church.